


Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory

by IncurableNecromantic



Series: Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Universe [1]
Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: 420 blaze it, Chat Logs, Crack, Gen, Gratuitous Swearing, Hannibal mumbles the lyrics of his breakup playlist a lot, Humor, Nicholaes Tulp is a Dutchbag, Recreational Drug Use, Will gets banned a lot, Zeller's ship cannot be sunk, a distressing lack of lesbians is herein rectified, as well they should be, asshole friends, betting on each other, death what death who died nobody nobody ever nope, everything is jackassery and nothing hurts AU, goofy weird embarrassing people do goofy weird embarrassing stuff, having fun together, homestuck-style memo, the techs are the stars!, threats pertaining to Bermuda shorts, work friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-17 08:24:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1380766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncurableNecromantic/pseuds/IncurableNecromantic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back in the day, Jack Crawford started a chatboard called CatchtheChesapeakeRipper so that everyone would have a place to consolidate information and confer.  </p><p>This chatboard was almost immediately usurped by the irreverent and vastly more popular Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory, the brainchild of Price and Zeller.  When you spend all day picking through dead bodies, sometimes you just really need a place to have fun.</p><p>As of S205, this is officially an AU.  Rated for language.</p><p>As of 5/15/14, this work is on semi-permanent hiatus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

whineZeller AT 9 AM opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

  
whineZeller: I’M COVERED IN BEEEEES.  
whineZeller: Don’t worry.  
whineZeller: Bee happy.  
thePriceisright AT 9:05 AM responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Too soon.  
crawDad AT 9:06 AM responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Goddamnit.  
crawDad: Stop making me laugh in front of the local police.  
whineZeller: La dee dee, one two three  
thePriceisright: Noooooo.  
whineZeller: Eric the half a bee  
thePriceisright: If you need me I will be hiding your lunch somewhere in the morgue. We’ll make a game out of it. See if you can find it.  
katzouttathebag AT 1:02 PM responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: You assholes.  
katzouttathebag: Why the hell was there a baloney sandwich inside my hypothermia victim?  
whineZeller: Hey!  
thePriceisright: Well, I didn’t want the sandwich to get all luke-warm.  
crawDad: Both of you. My office, now.  
whineZeller AT 11:18 PM responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Sugar sugar  
whineZeller: Doot-da-doot-doo-doo-doo  
whineZeller: Oh, honey honey  
thePriceisright: GOD   
thePriceisright: DAMN IT, Zeller.  
whineZeller: I could sing the Beetles instead.  
thePriceisright: kjshfiu;ibv

 

 

thePriceisright AT 2:45PM opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Welcome to the Semi-Ironic Morgue Playlist Request list! Leave your preferred tunes below and we will try to accommodate all your dead people and terrible music needs.  
goreMet AT 2:45:03 PM responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Psycho Killer  
BloominOnion AT 2:45:06 PM responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Psycho Killer  
whineZeller AT 2:45:10 PM responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Psycho Killer  
katzouttathebag AT 2:45:18 PM responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Psycho Killer  
xxxphile AT 2:45:20 PM responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Psycho Killer  
xxxphile: Oh.   
xxxphile: Damn it.  
grahamCracker  AT 2:57 PM responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Etude for Hannibal Fucking Lecter Fucking Eats People You Dickfucks.  
goreMet: *sigh*  
thePriceisright banned grahamCracker from responding to memo.  
crawDad AT 4:32 PM responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Dancing Queen.

 

 

whineZeller AT 12:45 AM opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY  


whineZeller: Uh.  
whineZeller: So.  
whineZeller: Does anybody mind if we talk about Bee Lady for a minute?  
whineZeller: Beecause wow.  
katzouttathebag AT 12:46 AM responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: What happened? What’d I miss?  
whineZeller: Well, like,  
whineZeller: We totally track down this New Agey acupuncturist bee keeper chick and start asking her about her patients who were found recently lobotomized.  
whineZeller: Who, incidentally, are super fucking creepy. Like, I get the willies around lobotomy victims anyway (blame One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) but without eyes?  
whineZeller: NNNYEH  
katzouttathebag: I remember him. That was pretty cool.  
whineZeller: I mean, yeah, it was, but I’m still all jim-jammy over it.  
whineZeller: On the ride up me and Price were talking about, y’know, ooooh, this is cold-blooded, is this our Garrett Jacob Hobbs?  
goreMet AT 12:56 AM responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Excuse me.  
goreMet: I do not mean to be rude, but I feel I must mention that the correct form would be “Price and I.”  
whineZeller: Ugh, yeah, okay, fine.  
katzouttathebag: Before we go on, why do all serial killers seem to have three names? Garrett Jacob Hobbs, John Lee Roche, John Wayne Gacy...  
goreMet: Ms. Katz, hardly any of them have three names.  
goreMet: And when it does occur, it is often a consequence of reporting on the events. Ostracization through enhanced specificity is crucial in these cases. But very few serial killers went by their full name before they were caught.  
katzouttathebag: Um, thanks.   
katzouttathebag: I guess I meant it more as a little light conversation fodder, but that is an interesting psychological trick.  
goreMet: Oh.  
goreMet: I apologize. I misunderstood.  
goreMet: And isn't that second name from The X Files?  
whineZeller: Hey.  
whineZeller: Are we talking about Bee Lady or what?  
katzouttathebag: Sorry.  
goreMet: Pardon me.  
whineZeller: Okay so we’re getting all hyped up for a major showdown  
whineZeller: all Rock-Paper-Scissoring for who’s going to have to bunk with Graham in the booby hatch if things really go tits up  
katzouttathebag: *cue predictable, infantile snickering over ‘scissoring’*  
whineZeller: And Jack’s being all stone-faced and battle-ready  
whineZeller: We roll up to the house and this woman opens the door  
whineZeller: And just  
whineZeller: Invites us right the fuck in  
thePriceisright AT 1:00 AM responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: I remember you telling me that if you saw even a hint of antlers you were going to throw me at her and run.  
whineZeller: I stand by that. It would be the right decision at the time.  
thePriceisright: So we’re wandering around like idiots and Jack starts talking to this woman about her patients.  
whineZeller: And as soon as we sit down she starts   
whineZeller: confessing  
whineZeller: being all like “oh yeah I totally stuck a needle in those dudes”  
thePriceisright: “im a healer”  
katzouttathebag: What the shit.  
katzouttathebag: I am so mad I missed this.  
katzouttathebag: This sounds hilarious.  
whineZeller: “gave him a head fulla bees”  
whineZeller: As if that’s actually something helpful for her “patients”?  
thePriceisright: Jack’s like, “did you try the honey?”  
thePriceisright: And she says oh no I couldn’t bear it  
thePriceisright: or something  
katzouttathebag: Damn. Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory might have had its first legitimate semi-cannibal.  
katzouttathebag: Well, besides Will.  
katzouttathebag: Although is it really cannibalism if you’re eating something foreign to a human body that just  
katzouttathebag: uh  
katzouttathebag: incubated I guess  
katzouttathebag: inside it?  
goreMet: Brings new meaning to the term Dutch oven.  
thePriceisright: lol  
whineZeller: BUT ANYWAY  
whineZeller: Price and I are sitting on this ugly couch  
whineZeller: Flicking our eyes between her and Crawford  
whineZeller: Her all smilin’ at us  
whineZeller: And we are. So. Confused. Shit like this just doesn’t happen, you know?  
whineZeller: But the great thing is Jack’s face.  
thePriceisright: I have never seen a human being so clearly express such a silent, aggressive “HMMM.”  
thePriceisright: If this doesn’t earn Crawford Best Bitch Face While In the Field at the Christmas Party, I’m going to quit the agency.  
crawDad AT 1:30 AM responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Technically speaking anti-climax is one of the better things that can happen in these kinds of cases but I have to admit that that was pretty weird.  
crawDad: Also I need to work on my poker face.  
tacoBellasupreme AT 1:32 AM responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Not that this isn’t gripping  
tacoBellasupreme: But Jack’s been reading this for the past half hour  
tacoBellasupreme: And I need you all to wrap it up because it is getting late.  
whineZeller: Yes ma’am.  
goreMet: Good evening.  
goreMet banned himself from responding to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: One real quick thing: who’s bringing donuts tomorrow?  
katzouttathebag: Not it  
whineZeller: Not it  
crawDad: Not it  
thePriceisright: Not  
thePriceisright: Damn it.  
katzouttathebag: HA   
katzouttathebag banned herself from responding to the memo.  
thePriceisright banned himself from responding to the memo.  
crawDad: Bella...  
tacoBellasupreme: Come to what I meant by bed, Jack.  
tacoBellasupreme: ;-*  
crawDad banned himself from responding to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme banned herself from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: nnyeh

whineZeller closed memo.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: This is the official “I Have An Earworm and All Must Suffer” list.   
whineZeller: Submit whatever auditory shriek you can’t seem to get out of your brainpan so that the rest of us can catch it and dwell in misery.  
whineZeller: Feel free to sing along. I know I will.  
whineZeller: The Tide Is High  
whineZeller: But I’m holding on.  
whineZeller: I’m gonna be your number one!  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: some  
whineZeller: ?  
BloominOnion: BODY ONCE TOLD ME  
whineZeller: THAT YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND  
BloominOnion: THE WORLD WAS GOING TO ROLL ME  
whineZeller: oh  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Toxic.   
xxxphile: No relation to any current, future, or past patients, I assure you.  
whineZeller: Wait.  
whineZeller: Is this a distant and delicate way of telling us that you got Britney through 2007?  
whineZeller: Because if you did you should ‘fess up. I will buy you dinner for that.   
BloominOnion: Ditto.  
xxxphile: Would that I had helped Ms. Spears. I have the sense that my life would be in a much better place by now.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: The 1812 Overture.  
whineZeller: DADADADADADA-DA-DA  
tacoBellasupreme: BOOM  
BloominOnion: DADADADADADA-DA-DA  
tacoBellasupreme: BOOM  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: In the Jungle  
BloominOnion: the mighty jungle!  
whineZeller: the lion sleeps  
katzouttathebag: TOOOOOONIIIIIIIGHT  
whineZeller: TOOOOOONIII  
whineZeller: oh  
tacoBellasupreme: In the jungle, the mighty jungle  
katzouttathebag: The lion sleeps tooonight!  
whineZeller: oooowheeeeeeeeewheemawumbaway  
xxxphile: A-wheemaway, a-wheemaway?  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Poison.  
whineZeller: Really?  
katzouttathebag: Holy shit, Graham, seriously?  
grahamCracker: Yeah. Alice Cooper.  
xxxphile: That’s remarkably honest of you, Mr. Graham.   
grahamCracker: Excuse me?  
whineZeller: Your blood. So hot.  
grahamCracker: …  
katzouttathebag: Your web. I’m caught!  
grahamCracker: I’m not doing this. This is stupid.  
whineZeller: One look  
BloominOnion: Could kill  
whineZeller: My pain  
tacoBellasupreme: YOUR THRILLLLLLL  
grahamCracker: Those aren’t even the right lyrics.  
katzouttathebag: I WANNA LOVE YOU BUT I BETTER NOT TOUCH  
BloominOnion: I WANNA HOLD YOU BUT MY SENSES TELL ME TO STOP  
whineZeller: I WANNA KISS YOU BUT I WANT IT TOO MUCH  
grahamCracker banned himself from responding to the memo.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Royals.  
tacoBellasupreme: But we’ll never be ~royals~  
BloominOnion: ~royals~  
thePriceisright: It’s just not in our blood!  
tacoBellasupreme: That kind of lux just ain’t for us.  
whineZeller: We crave a different kind of buzz!  
BloominOnion: Let me be your ~ruler~, ~ruler~!  
tacoBellasupreme: You can call me Queen Bee!  
thePriceisright: Ugh.  
thePriceisright: Still too soon.  
thePriceisright: Also your husband is an attempted bee-murderer.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Miss New Booty   
xxxphile: Oh, dear God, Hannibal.  
katzouttathebag: What, really?  
goreMet: It meshes beautifully with Mozart’s 40th.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I am not going into this meeting with The Tide Is High stuck in my head.  
goreMet: Might I recommend the [following](https://a.tumblr.com/tumblr_monq5vSwdl1rvcykoo1.mp3#_=_)?  
crawDad: What the hell am I listening to  
whineZeller: Oh my God.  
whineZeller: Make them play this at my funeral.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which death is trivialized, cherry Halls cure cancer, Hannibal is a den mom, the entire FBI is preoccupied with shipping, and Will makes some crucial steps towards having a normal conversation like a person.

katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

katzouttathebag: OW  
katzouttathebag: Shit!  
katzouttathebag: I have Satan's little papercut.  
katzouttathebag: Price, you got a bandaid?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Clifford the Big Red Dog or Barbie?  
katzouttathebag: Ugh, those choices are both so good, I can’t decide with all this blood loss.  
katzouttathebag: All sprayin’ out all over everything.  
katzouttathebag: Just pick one and hurry over!  
thePriceisright: I’m coming, I’m coming.  
thePriceisright: Pull yourself together.

 

 

crawDad 3 YEARS AGO opened memo on board CatchTheChesapeakeRipper

crawDad: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our chatboard for collecting information pertaining to the search for the Chesapeake Ripper.   
crawDad: All the information herein is Classified, as I’m sure you can determine for yourselves.  
crawDad: If you have any questions, please speak to your superiors and they will fill you in.  
crawDad: We will catch this monster and bring him or her to justice.  
crawDad: Godspeed to you all.  
thePriceisright 3 YEARS AGO responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Yes, sir.  
katzouttathebag 3 YEARS AGO responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Thank you, sir.  
grahamCracker 2 YEARS 10 MONTHS AGO responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Sir, I’ve completed the killer’s profile and I’d like to arrange a meeting to discuss it.  
crawDad 2 YEARS 10 MONTHS AGO responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Come in this afternoon.  
...  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Oh.  
whineZeller: My.  
whineZeller: God.  
whineZeller: It’s still up.  
whineZeller: Nobody ever closed this.  
whineZeller: Bloom, I’m going to find that picture of you from a few years ago, when you still had short hair.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Over my dead body.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Welcome, all, to the latest installment of GrahamWatch2014. As you all know, Will is a crazy cannibalistic serial killer, which would ordinarily have caused us all to feel kind of crappy about continuing to use this chat board name.  
thePriceisright: But in memory of happier days we will continue to refer to ourselves as the Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory and live in the hope that the pendulum of light-hearted joviality will swing back to the side of the Rumpus Makers.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Asshole Factory pride.  
katzouttathebag: Rumpus Assholes unite.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: The Rumpus Makers will rise again.  
thePriceisright: Precisely.  
thePriceisright: And despite Will’s regrettable complete insanity, he is still our friend, even if we have to keep banning him to prevent him from saying hurtful things to Dr. Lecter. Dr. Lecter can handle himself of course but that's still douchey and whenever it happens he murmurs Adele lyrics so softly and so sweetly that it just breaks your heart and then we have to deal with that.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I assure you that there is no correlation between Will’s behavior and my embarrassing tendency to murmur song lyrics.  
goreMet: I apologize for any broken hearts.  
goreMet: As it happens, the break-up playlist that Beverly very kindly but mistakenly gave me in the aftermath of Will’s arrest contains many extremely catchy songs and I find myself suspectible to their charms.  
thePriceisright: Suuure. But to return to the subject of Will, we are still keeping an eye on him, in a spirit of tender affection and also because it is our job that we are sometimes really bad at.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: REALLY  
whineZeller: bad at.  
thePriceisright: Yes.  
thePriceisright: Anyway, the upshot of this is that Alana went to see our poor crazy native son and has a report of his status. Take it away, Alana.  
BloominOnion: Well, Will is not a healthy man but Dr. Chilton is taking care of him about as well as anyone could expect.  
BloominOnion: Although Will and Dr. Chilton are kind of weirdly framing this in terms of having an exclusive relationship I think?  
BloominOnion: Dr. Chilton is jealous to an uncomfortable degree of Dr. Lecter’s place in Will’s mind. I think he wants Will to be his nemesis or something?   
BloominOnion: I am growing increasingly suspicious of Dr. Chilton’s ability but if he can transfer Will’s antagonistic fixation on Dr. Lecter onto himself, he might be able to start cracking it down.  
BloominOnion: The situation resembles nothing so much as a junior high prom, in which Dr. Chilton wants to ask Will to dance but Will is holding out to ask Dr. Lecter to dance, and Dr. Lecter is busy criticizing the punch.  
BloominOnion: Only replace dancing with ruthlessly psychoanalyzing and/or accusing each other of cannibalism.  
BloominOnion: So maybe the analogy is flawed.  
katzouttathebag: Nah. Sounds like every junior high prom I’ve ever been to.  
BloominOnion: Will is refusing to see Dr. Lecter, which I can’t say I don’t think is probably a good idea, if only because Will has been unshaken in his conviction that Dr. Lecter is framing him for these murders.   
BloominOnion: It’s very disheartening to hear that, as you can imagine.   
BloominOnion: But he sends his greetings to all the Rumpus Makers.  
katzouttathebag: Really?  
BloominOnion: um  
whineZeller: Yeah.   
whineZeller: That didn’t really sound like Will. He was never a good team player.   
katzouttathebag: Thanks for trying, Alana, but stick to the facts.  
BloominOnion: Ugh, yeah, okay, sorry. I’m trying to say what I think he’d say if he ever thought about anyone but himself and Dr. Lecter.  
BloominOnion: Also if he wasn’t high off of his scrawny white ass.  
whineZeller: Oh shit. Now that sounds interesting.  
thePriceisright: What does it say about us that we are way more interested in hearing about our asshole friend high out of his mind in a mental institution than that we are really concerned about getting him out of there?  
katzouttathebag: It says that we are driven by evidence and are probably better at our jobs than we give ourselves credit for.  
whineZeller: Although not by much.  
BloominOnion: I’m going to have to go over most of it in the other thread, for obvious reasons, but for now I can tell you that he was babbling about a cannibal moose.  
BloominOnion: So that’s not great.  
goreMet: I beg your pardon. He is hallucinating a moose?  
BloominOnion: A moose, or a man with antlers?  
BloominOnion: I have no idea.  
goreMet: He has such an interest in horns. One must wonder why.  
whineZeller: Save it for the other thread, guys. Anything else from WillWatch March edition?  
BloominOnion: Nothing that shouldn't go on the Ay Yo Das Gay thread, y'know, intense eye contact, bad innuendos, oddly flirtatious avowals of opposition. Although Will does want to tell us the following: “Please ask Cannibal Rumpus Dickhole Fuckfest to at least send me a care package. The guy from Pushing Daisies is trying to psychologize me and that makes me seriously question my life choices.”  
BloominOnion: sic, obviously.  
whineZeller: Oh my God, Lee Pace! I love your work!  
thePriceisright: You heard the man. Everybody send Will Graham your five o’clock shadow, he needs more.  
thePriceisright: This includes you, Katz.  
katzouttathebag: No way.  
katzouttathebag: I’m saving all of mine to make an heirloom blanket.   
katzouttathebag: Also if he gets any more scruffy he’ll turn into Cousin It.  
goreMet: I would be happy to cook something for him, if you think he could stand to eat something other than industrial-strength food. Perhaps a little breakfast?  
BloominOnion: Oh, I still remember him babbling about that coffee maker of yours. And he was pretty impressed by the fact that you were in a dress shirt and dressing gown at five AM.  
goreMet: What a charming remembrance of happier days.   
BloominOnion: If it’s not too personal, can I ask--do you even have pajamas?  
goreMet: To be perfectly honest, I’m actually always naked. What you perceive to be clothing is a function of my protective outer skin. It changes color when I’m attempting to camouflage myself.  
BloominOnion: Of course! It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I missed it!  
BloominOnion: But the real question is--  
BloominOnion: Can your outer skin make and retract a pair of horns?  
BloominOnion: [click](http://soundfxnow.com/soundfx/DramaSound4-Suspenseful.mp3)  
goreMet: Blast! I have revealed too much. I am discovered.  
goreMet: Cart me away.  
thePriceisright: This is truly in keeping with the rumpusy assholeish spirit of the board, but I believe you were saying something about food?  
goreMet: I have a recipe for Tongue with Rosemary Mustard reduction that I think would lift anyone’s spirits.  
whineZeller: Oh man. Please make those ladyfingers you made for the Christmas party last year.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah, Hannibal. You know Will’s going to be a dick about anything you bring him, all ugh bleh is there an ear in this, bluh bluh bluh. Why not cut out the middle man and bring it to your starving and highly appreciative medical examiners?  
katzouttathebag: We’ll eat all the food and provide a comforting atmosphere. We’ll play a shit ton of Adele and pat you gently on the back. We might even put a Clifford the Big Red Dog bandaid on your heart.  
goreMet: Tempting...  
thePriceisright: I think we could say with confidence that everyone in this office is willing, even eager, to eat tongue if you cook it.  
goreMet: You are entirely too kind. I’m blushing.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: They are not too kind. They are opportunistic food whores.  
whineZeller: I take exception to that.  
whineZeller: We are food gigilos, and Katz is our iron-handed pimp.  
thePriceisright: She’ll cut you.  
goreMet: Any man who would reject the devotion and pleading of opportunistic food gigilos is a poor kind of philosopher. I will see what I have in my pantry.  
katzouttathebag: Hannibal Lecter: surgeon, psychiatrist, den mom.   
goreMet: Perhaps I should invest in a minivan.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Okay, so let’s get to the entertaining WillWatch gossip.  
whineZeller: This is Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory’s most popular thread, Ay Yo Das Gay, March Edition, a running record of almost painfully homoerotic moments between Hannibal and Will.  
whineZeller: As usual you can expect some extremely puerile and gossipy behavior that apparently the entire FBI eats up. YEAH, ASSHOLES, WE KNOW YOU’RE PEEPING IN ON THIS SHIT.  
whineZeller: It’s like you can’t even be a childish, nosy fuckass without everyone around you trying to get in on it.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: That’s very sad.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: No sadder than the fact that Zeller’s actually really interested in whatever you’re about to say.  
whineZeller: Shut up.  
whineZeller: My ship’s love is pure and true.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: *INCREDIBLY LOUD GAGGING NOISES*  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: I refuse to believe that even the smallest part of the safety of civilian lives rests in any of your hands.  
tacoBellasupreme: That is much too dark and too terrible to contemplate.  
BloominOnion: Moving on.  
BloominOnion: Well, what can be said about Will Graham that isn’t already there?  
BloominOnion: He has revealed that Dr. Lecter “performed from highly unorthodox therapy on him” which involved “injecting something into him.” So since I’m more inclined to say that Will is drugged to the gills while he’s in Dr. Chilton’s care, I’m willing to posit that that is nothing more harmful than the worst innuendo I’ve heard in some time.  
whineZeller: I find psychology fascinating because it’s one of the few sciences principally founded on penis jokes.  
katzouttathebag: I’m super jealous. Psychologists get penis jokes and we just have the fact that we liked poking dead stuff with sticks as children.  
thePriceisright: We all remember our halcyon days spent examining roadkill.  
thePriceisright: How simple the world seemed.  
BloominOnion: Oh!   
BloominOnion: I wanted to make sure to mention that the last time Will and Hannibal were in a room together, they maintained eye contact for fifteen consecutive, unblinking, silent seconds.  
BloominOnion: Fifteen seconds is a very long time for that kind of thing. Have you ever tried that?  
whineZeller: lol, really?  
BloominOnion: Even doing it with a member of the opposite sex starts to feel bizarrely homoerotic.  
BloominOnion: Maybe it is just more in the complicated mating dance habitual to the closeted and clinically insane fisherperson.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: As little as I wish to interrupt this entirely engrossing report, I would like to mention that I have observed this kind of behavior before and it may just be Hannibal being Hannibal.  
katzouttathebag: Actually, now that you mention it, Will sometimes just spaces out. Maybe that’s what’s going on here. Will’s in la-la-land while Hannibal is trying to roll a ten in intimidate, and neither of them even notice what the other is up to.   
xxxphile: If that is the case, maybe they really are made for each other.  
xxxphile: Also did you just frame Hannibal’s behavior in the context of a New World of Darkness action?  
katzouttathebag: Yeah...  
katzouttathebag: Didn’t know you knew about that. The whole morgue’s in a vamp game.  
katzouttathebag: Alana GMs.  
xxxphile: Wow.  
xxxphile: How interesting.  
xxxphile: Ahem.  
xxxphile: Ventrue pride.  
xxxphile banned herself from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: If no one has anything else to contribute?  
whineZeller: Besides Katz finding her soul mate?  
thePriceisright: Ay Yo Das Gay Part II, Kitty Katz.  
katzouttathebag: Suck my dick.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Nothing that hasn’t already been discussed in quite literally excruciating detail.  
BloominOnion: Agreed.  
whineZeller: To close, Dr. Lecter wants to report to us a math thing, relevant to gambling.  
goreMet: Good afternoon.  
goreMet: The odds for the What Will Happen When Will Graham Finds This Thread have shifted. Odds stand 10 to 3 that Will is likely to “grow a fury beard, get to retaliation second-base with Dr. Bloom, and cry himself to sleep.”  
goreMet: Personally, I do find this outcome extremely likely.   
goreMet: Enjoy the remainder of this “program.”   
goreMet banned himself from the memo.  
whineZeller: And in a swirl of subtle cologne and cuttingly sarcastic quotation marks, he disappears.  
whineZeller: What a class act.  
whineZeller: Well, that’ll do for an update. I feel reassured of the existence of the incredibly awkward sexual tension and am affirmed that it’s not me being a pervert but them being weird at each other.  
BloominOnion: Truly, that is the greatest gift and balm to the spirit.  
whineZeller: Shut ‘er down.  
crawDad 11 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
crawDad: You’re all fired.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Man  
whineZeller: Fuck this trained monkey shit  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Ah, the burden of the spotlight.  
whineZeller: No, I'm serious, man.  
whineZeller: I do NOT like this.  
whineZeller: I don't like the idea that some jerkoff in another section of the FBI is reading this stuff. They aren't Rumpus Makers. They aren't in the business of manufacturing cannibal rumpus assholery. They don't know what it's like out here.  
whineZeller: Having them peeping on me makes it hard to get into my flow.  
thePriceisright: NO  
thePriceisright: NOT THE FLOW  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: The flow?  
whineZeller: Yeah! My flow!  
whineZeller: I can't get into it!   
whineZeller: And you know how important a man's flow is.  
whineZeller: Remember when you were being audited and it nearly drove you to drinking? You were off your flow!   
whineZeller: Possibly the worst case of flowlessness I've ever seen. Shit was well and truly diverted and was happily trickling through miles of as-yet unexplored woodland, all fucking up the delicate ecosystems therein and probably, I don't know, causing global warming.  
whineZeller: Your flowlessness caused global warming, Katz. Flow should not be messed with.  
whineZeller: I can't believe I even need to have this conversation with you.  
katzouttathebag: No, no, hey, I get it, the flow is crucial and stuff.  
whineZeller: We need to get somebody to put Ay Yo Das Gay on lock down.  
whineZeller: That’s our gossip mill.  
whineZeller: People can’t be creeping up over the sides and peering in on our machinations.  
katzouttathebag: Watching us grind our gossip wheat into gossip flour.  
whineZeller: All coveting on the white fluffy purity of our gossip flour.  
katzouttathebag: Whole wheat gossip. The labors of our own hands.  
whineZeller: Here we are all Little Red Henning around about to make some delicious gossip bread and everybody wants to get a slice when they never had to put up with years of Will standing alone in the middle of crime scenes and mumbling to himself like a douchebag.  
thePriceisright: Jesus.  
thePriceisright: If it will get you to shut up, I’ll see about putting a password on it.  
thePriceisright: Just knock off the weird bread analogy.  
katzouttathebag: Well, hurry up.  
katzouttathebag: WE KNEAD THAT PASSWORD.  
thePriceisright: Password is now kneadybastards. Enjoy.

 

 

goreMetRIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

goreMet: Pardon me. Ordinarily I would not make mention of matters pertaining to my health but I see that the chatboard functions as a first-aid alert system.  
goreMet: I have an inexplicable, incredibly sore throat. Does anyone have lozenge?  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Not on me, but if you do go out looking for some, get the cherry Halls.  
goreMet: Really?  
tacoBellasupreme: Mmm-hm. Whatever it was I had, they cleared that up.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY  


whineZeller: Our noble leader, Jack Crawford, FBI, IDF, MD, CPA, is going to brave the windswept hell of Middle Western America for the sake of a conference.  
whineZeller: He wants short story recommendations for the flight. Put ‘em here.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: The Night the Bed Fell by James Thurber.   
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Aw, man, she took mine.  
thePriceisright: Uh, anything by Joyce? Or anything from Joseph Conrad’s Youth.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Anything by Flannery O'Connor, to the unending surprise of no one, ever.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I share Dr. Bloom’s opinion: certainly Flannery O’Connor. Perhaps Good Country People? And Lovecraft’s The Picture in the House is deeply flawed but it does have a magnificently creeping atmosphere.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: How about In Which Fruity Mass-Murdering Idiot Moonbounce Sees Nothing Weird About Recommendations for Shitty Short Stories About Cannibalism and Stealing People’s Body Parts, by Gullible Q. Fuckmeister?  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Twain’s How I Edited An Agricultural Paper.  
whineZeller: Wait a minute.  
whineZeller: Is everybody here secretly an English major?  
BloominOnion: No, no, definitely not.  
goreMet: Of course not.  
goreMet: How absurd.  
whineZeller: Oh my God.  
whineZeller: I bet you all are!  
katzouttathebag: This is a witch hunt!  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I’d like to interrupt this witch hunt long enough to make it absolutely clear that I am not now nor have I ever been a member of the IDF.  
crawDad: Nor am I a medical doctor.  
thePriceisright: Wait. Are you a CPA?  
crawDad: I had to put myself through undergrad somehow and it was either that or pole dancing.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: I think you would’ve been a great pole dancer.  
crawDad: No doubt!  
crawDad: But I didn’t want the gap on my resume.  
goreMet: Understandable.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Connie Willis’ All My Darling Daughters.  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi by Rudyard Kipling.  
katzouttathebag: Oh man, I love that one.  
grahamCracker2: Make sure you find an unabridged copy.  
grahamCracker2: Also Mowgli’s Brothers is really good.  
whineZeller: lol  
whineZeller: Kinda feel like we’re getting some insight into your tender years, dude.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah. Wild Dog-Boy from Wolftrap wanders into the man village one day.   
katzouttathebag: Drinks all the coffee in a 50 mile radius, refuses to shave.   
grahamCracker2: Grr, snarl.  
grahamCracker2: Although I was more into the Hardy Boys as a kid.  
grahamCracker2: Go figure.  
grahamCracker2: Shit.  
grahamCracker2: Chilton.  
grahamCracker2 banned himself from responding to the memo.

crawDad 6 HOURS LATER responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Holy. SHIT.  
crawDad: Bedelia.  
crawDad: What the FUCK was that.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: >:) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the short stories mentioned should be readable online, if you are so inclined. All My Darling Daughters has a special slot on TVTrope's High Octane Nightmare Fuel: Literature page, so take that to heart and do yourself the favor of reading that listing before you dive in.


	3. Chapter 3

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Childhood Idols, Or Fuck Off Zeller Nicolaes Tulp is a Perfectly Legitimate Role Model.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: No, Price.   
whineZeller: SPOCK is a good role model for children.   
whineZeller: Leonardo DaVinci is a good role model for children.  
whineZeller: Xena is a good role model for children.   
whineZeller: Nicolaes Tulp is just some Dutchbag in a Rembrandt painting.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: I was always really fond of Eleanor of Aquitaine.  
whineZeller: For the love of God, people, we are not talking about historically significant figures.   
whineZeller: We’re talking about your approximate contemporaries whom you thought were hot shit when you were six through sixteen.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: The two are by no means mutually exclusive.  
whineZeller: I know that. But I’m not interested in hearing about how everybody had a very culturally-significant upbringing.  
whineZeller: I want to know who thought M.C. Hammer had the right idea.  
katzouttathebag: Fine.  
katzouttathebag: Dr. Ellie Sattler from Jurassic Park.  
whineZeller: Now that’s what I’m talking about!  
whineZeller: People with or associated with household names.  
thePriceisright: “Nicolaes Tulp” is a name in my household, thank you very much.  
whineZeller: Price. Nobody considers a condo in fucking Crystal City a household.  
whineZeller: Ripley from Alien.  
katzouttathebag: Oh man, fuck yeah!   
katzouttathebag: While we’re at it, Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra.   
whineZeller: “On. Your. Knees.”  
katzouttathebag: I’m coming to work tomorrow with some serious eyeshadow. Look out, proconsuls of Rome.  
whineZeller: What about you, Dr. L?  
goreMet: Please, call me Hannibal.  
goreMet: I’m afraid my upbringing was somewhat eccentric and I share Mr. Price’s tendency to call more easily to mind historical figures than those of popular culture.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Perhaps Satan would suffice?  
goreMet: *sigh*  
goreMet: I try not to idolize my close relatives, Will.  
goreMet: Perhaps you got some inspiration from Hamlet?  
katzouttathebag: Rrrreowr, rrrreowr, hiss!  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Will, are you ever going to get bored of getting your ass kicked off the memos?  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: No.  
grahamCracker2: I’m doing it for justice.  
grahamCracker2: Also Sheriff Matt Dillon from Gunsmoke.  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Get outta here.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: BIG second vote for Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra.  
tacoBellasupreme: Also Lieutenant Uhura.  
katzouttathebag: <3<3<3 Agent Dana Scully <3<3<3  
tacoBellasupreme: And Mrs. Emma Peele.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Actually, that explains a lot.  
crawDad: I have to agree with Will’s vote for Matt Dillon.  
crawDad: I also had a pretty inexplicable fondness for M from James Bond.  
thePriceisright: That’s adorable.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: The inspiration for my username has already been usurped, so I will mention Amelia Earhart and leave it at that.  
whineZeller: OH SHIT  
whineZeller: DIBS DIBS DIBS DIBS DIBS  
whineZeller: Ahem.  
whineZeller: Amelia,  
whineZeller: Bedelia?  
xxxphile banned herself from responding to the memo.  
crawDad banned himself from responding to the memo.  
katzouttathebag banned herself from responding to the memo.  
goreMet banned himself from responding to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme banned herself from responding to the memo.

thePriceisright closed the memo.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Too soon?

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Starbucks Is Shitty Yet Convenient, Evidence God Hates Us?--Discuss  
whineZeller 6 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
whineZeller: Seriously.  
whineZeller: Is everybody still mad about that Amelia Bedelia thing?  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Yes.  
katzouttathebag: Well, no.  
katzouttathebag: Uh  
katzouttathebag: Have you ever played 2048?  
whineZeller: No.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: OH MY GOD  
thePriceisright: DO NOT  
thePriceisright: Seriously, fuck this game.  
thePriceisright: Katz started playing it in the lab and I was watching over her shoulder and now I’m doing it.  
thePriceisright: It is a virus, Zeller, do not even start.  
whineZeller: So, what, I just slide these tiles around?  
katzouttathebag: Yup.  
thePriceisright: God  
thePriceisright: just  
thePriceisright: fucking  
thePriceisright: It’s like your entire life is one big parade of Shmuck Bait, isn’t it?  
whineZeller: Whatever, man, I’ll beat it in like twenty minutes.  
whineZeller: Nothing can keep THE PUZZLE MASTER down.  
whineZeller 7 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
whineZeller: Aw, man.  
whineZeller: Fuck this game.

 

 

crawDad RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

crawDad: Ordinarily I like to keep out of this chatboard as much as possible, but you’ve all been disconcertingly quiet today.  
crawDad: And apparently I’ve come to rely pretty heavily upon the three of you squawking over the Internet to inform my interviews with local police.  
crawDad: Do we have a cause of death?  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Um.  
katzouttathebag: Working on it.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Oh, uh, yeah, this guy is totally dead, though.   
thePriceisright: Definitely not going to be resuscitated.   
crawDad: Yes.  
crawDad: Given that his lungs were pulled out through his mouth, I considered that a given.  
thePriceisright: Well, yeah, but ever since Mushroom Man I’m not taking any chances.  
crawDad: Valid point...  
crawDad: CoD ASAP.  
katzouttathebag: Not it.  
thePriceisright: Not it.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Not   
whineZeller: Damn it.  
katzouttathebag: HA.  
crawDad: What do you mean, “Not it”?  
crawDad: And what do you mean, “HA”?  
katzouttathebag: Oh, I have new shoes.  
katzouttathebag: Rather they not get all corpse-smelly in the first two days.  
crawDad: Then you picked the wrong business. Get on it.   
katzouttathebag: Yes, sir.  
crawDad: And you, Price?  
thePriceisright: I  
thePriceisright: don’t like lungs.  
crawDad: I don’t know what the hell you idiots think you’re doing, but get off your phones before I take your badges.  
thePriceisright: Yes, sir.  
whineZeller: Yes, sir.  
katzouttathebag: Yes, sir.  
whineZeller 3 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
whineZeller: God, fuck this game.

 

 

BloominOnion RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

BloominOnion: Are you guys okay?  
BloominOnion: The board has been totally silent!   
BloominOnion: Are you all right? Usually when you guys are super busy, the threads pile up even faster, even if it’s just bitching.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Well  
whineZeller: Um.  
whineZeller: Have you ever played 2048?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: NO  
thePriceisright: NO  
thePriceisright: NO  
thePriceisright: NO, NO  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: No, Alana, seriously, do not even go looking for this.  
BloominOnion: What is this?  
whineZeller: It’s a game app. Numbers game. You try to build up to 2048 via square numbers.  
BloominOnion: Oh, for the love of God.   
BloominOnion: This is what you’ve all been playing for the last four days?  
thePriceisright: Yes. It’s got us and we can’t get out.  
katzouttathebag: It might actually be the Devil, Alana. Do not even go looking for it.  
BloominOnion: I’ve downloaded it.  
thePriceisright: sf;oiwefkbbweif  
BloominOnion: It looks cute, and it’s not that hard!  
katzouttathebag: Oh my God.  
katzouttathebag: This thing is a virus.  
katzouttathebag: It is going to consume us all.  
BloominOnion: You’re all just tired. It’s not that big a deal.  
BloominOnion: I’ll let you know when I’ve solved it.  
BloominOnion 5 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
BloominOnion: Ugh.  
BloominOnion: Fuck this game.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: What did we even fucking say?  
katzouttathebag: You might as well come to the Morgue and join the support group.  
BloominOnion: I’ll be right down.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Just a quick note to let you guys know that AwwwTopsy Krew will be off the boards for the coming week.  
thePriceisright: Probably.  
thePriceisright: Maybe a little longer.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: All right, it is officially getting scary.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I admit that I am becoming increasingly concerned, as well.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: You’ve already been off for a week.  
tacoBellasupreme: What the hell is going on?  
thePriceisright: Listen, I can’t tell you.  
thePriceisright: Not if you haven’t already read about it.  
thePriceisright: It’s nothing serious or dangerous.  
thePriceisright: Just incredibly stupid.  
thePriceisright: And I’d rather not inflict that on anyone else.  
tacoBellasupreme: What is it?  
thePriceisright: I can’t.  
tacoBellasupreme: James.  
tacoBellasupreme: Price.  
thePriceisright: Mrs. Crawford, please believe me, you are literally the most terrifying force of nature I have ever encountered and I have nothing but awe and respect for you.  
thePriceisright: But I’m not going to tell you.  
thePriceisright: It is so stupid.  
thePriceisright: And you will get sucked in.  
thePriceisright: And it will be my fault.  
thePriceisright: I can’t live with that.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Any of you guys ever hear of 2048?  
thePriceisright: I  
thePriceisright: you  
thePriceisright: son of a   
thePriceisright: fucking  
thePriceisright: why would you  
thePriceisright: you piece of  
thePriceisright: goat-blowing, cattle-poking, leprous son of goddamn  
xxxphile: Downloaded.  
goreMet: Downloading.  
tacoBellasupreme: We’ll just see about this game.  
thePriceisright:  
thePriceisright: okay  
xxxphile 7 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
xxxphile: Dear God.  
xxxphile: Fuck this game.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Yup.  
tacoBellasupreme 9 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Oh, fuck this game.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Mm-hm.  
goreMet 18 HOURS LATER responded to this memo.  
goreMet: This game is not really to my taste.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Yup.  
thePriceisright: There’s a support group in our office. Everyone is down here, except you, Bedelia, and Jack. We have coffee, secret beer, and animal crackers.  
thePriceisright: In another world it would almost be a party.  
goreMet: I’ll be there in fifteen minutes with a charcuterie platter.  
thePriceisright: God bless you, Dr. Lecter.

 

 

grahamCracker RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

grahamCracker: Okay, idiots.  
grahamCracker: Funny thing about prison.  
grahamCracker: It is not exactly easy to steal the head psychiatrist’s phone on the reg, but it’s worth it if there is entertaining jackassery to read.  
grahamCracker: But when there isn’t any, I go through a lot of wasted effort that could otherwise be spent   
grahamCracker: I don’t know.  
grahamCracker: Counting drops leaking from the faucet.  
grahamCracker: Very important stuff. As you can imagine, I’m eager to get back to it.  
grahamCracker: But not until I get my dose of gossip.  
grahamCracker: So where the fuck are you?  
moose  
grahamCracker:   
grahamCracker: what  
moose  
grahamCracker: Maybe I wasn’t clear: what?  
moooose  
grahamCracker: Oh my God, this is sick.  
grahamCracker: Hannibal, stop fucking around.  
moooooosssse  
grahamCracker: This isn’t funny!  
grahamCracker: I’m not afraid of a fucking moose, asshole!  
grahamCracker: I’m not!  
grahamCracker 10 MINUTES LATER responded to this memo.  
grahamCracker: Seriously.  
grahamCracker: Where are you guys?  
grahamCracker: Are you okay?  
moose  
grahamCracker: askljffkjewulbfwhbuy

grahamCracker closed the memo.

 

 

crawDad RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

crawDad: It’s been three weeks.  
crawDad: The threads are dead.  
crawDad: Reports fly across my desk. Perfect. Tidy. Professional.  
crawDad: No jackassery. No squabbling. No terrible puns.  
crawDad: I pass them in the halls and their eyes are made of glass.  
crawDad: I lie beside her at night and I feel her thumbs twitching in a waking sleep.  
crawDad: And I weep.  
crawDad: If there’s anyone out there  
crawDad: Anyone at all  
crawDad: Please respond.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I’m here, Jack.  
grahamCracker: I’m  
grahamCracker: I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m here.  
crawDad: Oh, Will.  
crawDad: I should’ve known you’d survive this.  
crawDad: Limited exposure.  
crawDad: You’re lucky.  
crawDad: And so am I.  
grahamCracker: Jack, what happened?  
crawDad: There’s some kind of virus, I don’t know.  
crawDad: In their phones.  
crawDad: It looks like a game.  
crawDad: It’s no game.  
grahamCracker: Fuck.  
grahamCracker: And it took everybody?  
crawDad: Everyone.  
grahamCracker: Even Dr. Lecter?  
crawDad: Will, he fell to it weeks ago.  
crawDad: He was strong, up until the end. But I could tell.  
crawDad: His canapes  
crawDad: they just  
crawDad: God, they were just  
crawDad: Just okay.  
crawDad: Not bad.  
crawDad: No.  
crawDad: Just  
crawDad: Okay.  
grahamCracker: No.   
grahamCracker: Oh my God.  
crawDad: I don’t think he even noticed.  
grahamCracker: Oh God, no...   
grahamCracker: But he was so...  
grahamCracker: Jesus, Jack. What are we going to do?  
crawDad: I’m going to download it, Will.  
grahamCracker: Jack, no!  
crawDad: I want to download it.  
grahamCracker: It’s suicide!  
crawDad: I want to be with her, Will.  
crawDad: God, I miss her so much.  
crawDad: I don’t mind keeping the bedside lamp on until four AM, as long as we’re keeping it on together.  
grahamCracker: Oh, God...  
crawDad: It took them all.  
crawDad: But they didn’t face it alone.  
crawDad: Will, will you download it with me?  
crawDad: And we’ll join them together?  
grahamCracker: Jack...  
grahamCracker: Oh, goddamn it!  
grahamCracker: Fuck this game!  
crawDad: Fuck this game!  
grahamCracker: I’m downloading it on Chilton’s phone.  
crawDad: Yeah.  
grahamCracker: It’s loading.  
crawDad: Yeah. It’s ready.  
crawDad: I’m going to click it.  
grahamCracker: No, please, wait for me.  
crawDad: Okay. When you’re ready.  
grahamCracker: Ugh, fuck this shitty wifi, God damn it...  
grahamCracker: Wait, okay.  
grahamCracker: On three?  
crawDad: One.  
grahamCracker: Two.  
crawDad: Goodbye, Will.  
grahamCracker: Goodbye, Jack.  
crawDad: Three.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory: Dumbfucks with Highly Addictive Personalities Edition, starring AwwwTopsy, Bev “KillaHurtz” Katz, the Right Reverend Dr. Alana Bloom, Dr. Bedelia “PSYCHEic” DuMaurier, the Worshipful Mrs. Bella Crawford, Dr. Hannibal “Dr. Love” Lecter, “Jump Back” Jack Crawford, and most recently, the deranged and delicious Will “Man-Eater” Graham!  
whineZeller: Report the day’s high scores here.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Finished it!  
katzouttathebag: Fucking finally.  
katzouttathebag: Now to throw my phone under a steamroller.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: *golf applause*  
xxxphile: I skinned my teeth on it.  
xxxphile: I had two 1024’s and the tiles just bumped me out.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: It’s okay if you cried a little.  
thePriceisright: We all have, by this point.  
xxxphile: Easy for the jackass who finished first to say.  
xxxphile: And I did not cry.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I only got up to 512.  
goreMet: It has been a long day.   
whineZeller: It’s okay, dude.  
whineZeller: You’ll get there.  
whineZeller: I had a 1024.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: I finished!  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: And so did I.  
tacoBellasupreme: Within seconds of each other.  
crawDad: As usual.  
crawDad: ;D  
tacoBellasupreme: ;-*  
tacoBellasupreme: C’mere, Jack...  
whineZeller banned tacoBellasupreme and crawDad from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: All right, okay, break it up.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Hangin’ out with Hannibal in the 512 camp.   
BloominOnion: Fuck this game.  
goreMet: Agreed.   
whineZeller: And what about you, Will?  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I don’t want to talk about it.  
katzouttathebag: Did Chilton take his phone back?  
grahamCracker: No.  
thePriceisright: And you played today, right?  
grahamCracker: Yeah, but  
katzouttathebag: We made a pact, Will.  
katzouttathebag: We’d boot up the boards and use them to support each other.  
katzouttathebag: Now let us support you, jackass.  
grahamCracker: Fine.  
grahamCracker: I got a six.  
whineZeller: No, you didn’t.  
grahamCracker: I did.  
thePriceisright: That is literally impossible.  
goreMet: Mathematics don’t work that way, Will.  
grahamCracker: Fuck you, I know how math works.  
grahamCracker: And I still got a six.  
katzouttathebag: Only you, Will.  
katzouttathebag: Only fucking you.  
grahamCracker: Oh, fuck you guys.

grahamCracker banned himself from responding to the memo.

grahamCracker RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

grahamCracker: Assholes.  
moose  
grahamCracker: GAH

grahamCracker closed the memo.


	4. Chapter 4

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: So I have a niece in high school.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: What??? Price!  
whineZeller: Are you saying  
whineZeller: You have another life?  
whineZeller: You have another FAMILY?  
whineZeller: Outside of the morgue?!  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: You cheating hussy!  
thePriceisright: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  
thePriceisright: Point is, I’m going to go into her school as a guest speaker.  
thePriceisright: Turns out that public opinion has changed since we were in high school and now working with dead bodies is cool.  
whineZeller: Unfair.  
katzouttathebag: Or maybe the FBI is cool?  
katzouttathebag: Sweet summer children, how little they know.  
katzouttathebag: No X-Files up in here.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: I cannot tell you how disappointed I am by that tragic fact.  
thePriceisright: ANYWAY I bring it up to solicit advice, because I have no idea what to say to a bunch of high schoolers.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: “Know that you are going to fail at some things, but work hard and try your best anyway.”  
katzouttathebag: “Take your time. You do not have to have either your career or your life planned out by the time you are 25. Be flexible, be open, and try new things without obsessing over whether or not you’re ‘performing’ well enough.”  
xxxphile: “Trust your instincts. Be picky about who you allow in your life and for how long.”  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: “Stand up for those who cannot, especially your friends.”  
whineZeller: “Always carry a lighter, $20 cash, and a good pocketknife.”  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: “When things get rough, hold on for as long as you can, but know when to quit.”  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Never go to psychotherapy.  
thePriceisright banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: Don’t get on chatboards with asslamps.  
thePriceisright banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
grahamCracker3 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker3: Remember, no cage can hold you.  
thePriceisright banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Would you get out of here?  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Moisturize.  
thePriceisright: Really?  
goreMet: Really.  
thePriceisright: Moisturize.  
goreMet: It is excellent advice.  
thePriceisright: Yeah, but it’s not very helpful.  
goreMet: Perhaps, but nearly everyone else has been offering perfectly nonsensical advice.  
xxxphile: Excuse me?  
goreMet: Instincts can be wrong, as can one’s friends. Thoughtful, sensitive skepticism is much more valuable in such cases. It would be a wonderful world, if we could unconditionally trust our loved ones, but it would require nothing less than a miracle.  
goreMet: Trying one’s hardest despite vague but certain future failure implies not only the concept that all one’s effort is useless, but even suggests that to try at all constitutes taking a ludicrous risk.  
goreMet: How can one be truly tenacious and know when to quit?  
goreMet: And I won’t even touch Will’s advice.  
goreMet: Ms. Katz’s advice is refreshing and is surely something young people ought to be told, although it will be cold comfort to teenagers who nevertheless experience genuine distress at their perceived lack of direction.  
goreMet: In fact, it seems to me that only Mr. Zeller and myself are offering truly sound, positive, practicable advice.  
goreMet: In what circumstances could either of those maxims lead one astray?  
tacoBellasupreme: Armed robbery with a knife?  
katzouttathebag: Falling and stabbing yourself in the ass?  
whineZeller: You swore you’d never mention that.  
goreMet: If I concede the point, can you give me an account of the evils of moisturizing?  
thePriceisright: Huh.  
thePriceisright: Not really.  
whineZeller: Well. This is kind of uncomfortably reasonable.  
tacoBellasupreme: Yeah.  
tacoBellasupreme: Hmm.  
tacoBellasupreme: I’m uncomfortable with it, too, but I can’t really pin down why.  
thePriceisright: Well, the implications here give me the sinking suspicion that this conversation has become less of a defense of small, achievable goals and more of a plug for Nihilism.  
thePriceisright: Kind of a “There’s nothing worth fighting for, so don’t aim to achieve but to satisfy yourself.”  
thePriceisright: Or your pores, I guess.  
BloominOnion: That’s my problem with it.  
goreMet: I suppose it is a rather vicious theory, when considered in this light.  
goreMet: I did not intend to espouse a Nihilistic perspective but I am rather surprised to see how clearly it came about.  
thePriceisright: Still, y’know.   
thePriceisright: Moisturizing is good.  
thePriceisright: Maybe let’s just not make a group of young people needlessly apathetic or give them any more existential crises than they already have.  
katzouttathebag: Bleachers, not Nietzsches.

 

 

xxxphile RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

xxxphile: Okay, Hannibal.  
xxxphile: I have to know.  
xxxphile: Was any of that earnest or were you just taking the piss out of everyone?  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Oh, absolutely the latter, definitely.  
goreMet: At first it was just an attempt at jackassery and then I decided that I had to roll with it.  
goreMet: I didn’t start out with the intention of giving everyone an existential crisis but if I did, that really is just gravy.  
xxxphile: Manipulative bastard.  
goreMet: Pot, kettle, Dr. DuMaurier.  
xxxphile: Dear God, but isn’t that woefully true.  
goreMet: I am very glad that you, of all people, thought to press me on it.  
xxxphile: I wish I didn’t have to.  
goreMet: Bedelia. I’m wounded.  
xxxphile: Oh, please. Spare me that nonsense.  
goreMet: You know me so well.  
goreMet: I feel so close to you when we talk like this.  
xxxphile: Save it for Will Graham.  
goreMet: Tell me, dear.  
goreMet: Have you managed to make your kitten purr?  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Hey guys!   
whineZeller: What’s up?  
whineZeller: Just wanted to let you know that there are these neat things call private chats. So useful.   
whineZeller: You can have a conversation about anything at all, even really personal stuff, without LITERALLY EVERYONE BEING ABLE TO READ AND COMMENT ON IT.  
xxxphile: Erm. Yes.  
xxxphile: Thank you, Mr. Zeller.  
whineZeller: No problem.  
whineZeller: I’ll let Katz know you say “hey.”

whineZeller banned himself from responding to the memo.

xxxphile: *sigh*  
goreMet: A bientot, Bedelia.  
goreMet: Let’s do dinner sometime soon.

goreMet banned himself from responding to the memo.

xxxphile closed the memo.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

  
whineZeller: Shit.  
whineZeller: If the brothers at DeMatha could see me now...  
whineZeller: I just realized that I am super late for Lent. So let’s do Lent Lite!  
whineZeller: I was going to give up swearing.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: HA.  
whineZeller: Yeah, I know.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: I was going to give up chocolate.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, damn.  
thePriceisright: Yeah, I know.  
whineZeller: Jimmy Price, playing to win.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: I have given up cheap wine.  
katzouttathebag: I should try that next year.  
xxxphile: It is truly a cleanser for the  
xxxphile: spirit.  
thePriceisright: *cue sunglasses*  
katzouttathebag: Uuuuuugh.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: I’m trying to give up hitting the snooze button.  
BloominOnion: Afternoon Alana knows those extra fifteen minutes are totally unrestful and actually very counterproductive, but Morning Alana won’t hear of it.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I was hoping to give up either hallucination and sanitarium food.  
grahamCracker: Obviously it didn’t work out.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Only say the word, Will.  
goreMet: I have a recipe for steak and kidney pie that I have been meaning to attempt.  
grahamCracker: ..|..  
goreMet: Excuse me?  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Rude gesture.  
goreMet: Oh. Oh, I see now.  
whineZeller: Giving anything up for the next, oh, two weeks?  
goreMet: While I find myself applauding Dr. DuMaurier’s efforts, I have never thought of myself as a quitter.  
goreMet: I prefer to sin boldly.  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: Bullfuckingshit.  
grahamCracker2: You prefer to smirk and simper and while everybody else is letting their freak flag fly you’re using yours for a pocket square.  
grahamCracker2: You give yourself way too much credit.  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker2 from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Yeah, okay, thanks for that, Will.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I should try to give up coffee.  
katzouttathebag: With all due respect, sir, that is a death sentence.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: I am going to give up Nashville.  
tacoBellasupreme: That show isn’t good for anyone, least of all me.  
thePriceisright: I don’t know.  
thePriceisright: In this business I’m inclined to think that trashy TV is very necessary R&R.  
whineZeller: Speaking of trashy TV, what about you, Katz?  
katzouttathebag: While I’m glad I’m apparently forever associated with crappy television, I have no intention of giving up my precious, precious shitty shows.  
katzouttathebag: When I am old and gray, my Law and Order: SVU dvd sets will keep me warm at night.  
thePriceisright: As usual, I’m not sure if that’s desperately sad or oddly romantic.  
katzouttathebag: When I find myself in times of trouble  
katzouttathebag: Mariska Hartigay comes to me  
katzouttathebag: Singing words of wisdom  
katzouttathebag: DVD, DVD.  
whineZeller: I have decided for all of us that it’s desperately sad.  
thePriceisright: Agreed. The point at which anyone starts singing maudlin Beatles songs is the point at which all hope of charm is totally lost.  
grahamCracker3 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker3: What ever happened to Christopher Meloni?  
katzouttathebag: I don’t want to talk about it.  
tacoBellasupreme: What ever happened to Richard Belzer?  
katzouttathebag: I don’t want to talk about it.  
xxxphile: I miss the blonde ADA.  
katzouttathebag: Which one?  
xxxphile: Does it matter?  
katzouttathebag: Fair point.  
goreMet: I find it remarkable that you can stomach those shows, considering the work in which you immerse yourself every day.  
goreMet: I suppose I expected that you would want a break from horrors.  
katzouttathebag: I find it really satisfying.  
katzouttathebag: Watching Ice T beat up rapists appeals to my moral instincts.  
goreMet: Quite a humanitarian impulse.  
katzouttathebag: I hope not!  
katzouttathebag: I don’t want to end up like Will.  
katzouttathebag: His humanitarianism landed him in the booby hatch.  
katzouttathebag: If only he’d been a vegetarian instead.  
grahamCracker3: You are all colossal dickwaffles.  
grahamCracker3: Figuratively.  
grahamCracker3: Except of course for Dr. Lecter, who is a waffle whose primary ingredient is indeed penis.  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker3 from responding to the memo.

 

 

goreMe RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

goreMet: I think we may need to get in touch with Dr. Chilton.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: ?  
goreMet: I recognize that Will has been stealing the man’s phone for some time but I think we have finally reached the point where he’s not actually using it to try and finish that aggravating numbers game.  
BloominOnion: What makes you think that?  
goreMet: He sent me the following missive.  
goreMet:  “This video always reminds me of you.”  
goreMet:  “Eat shit and die, you kuru-infected fucksaucer.”  
goreMet:  “Hugs and Kisses, Will.”  
goreMet: And [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqKPe9w5bUs) was attached.  
BloominOnion: *headdesk*  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Never tell Ay Yo Das Gay.  
katzouttathebag: There are too many thinly-veiled references to oral sex in this. The server will explode.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Dr. Chilton should be made aware of the fact that his phone is stolen.  
xxxphile: How unfortunate that we cannot call him.

 

 

grahamCracker RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

grahamCracker: I’m beginning to think that there aren’t any murders anymore.  
grahamCracker: That no one will ever come and solicit my opinion ever again and I will die here, very bored.  
grahamCracker: That I’m just, y’know, floating out here all alone in my own personal pocket of hell, overseeing endless vistas of mind-numbing ennui, mental chess with Abel Gideon, and the flapping face-gash that composes Dr. Chilton’s primary feature, interspersed with magnificent yet moronic oases of jovial and irreverent fuckassery. I am trapped without any hope of change or even potency.  
grahamCracker: Like a cautionary tale, told by an idiot, the moral of which is either too murky or too stupid or both to clearly transcribe or even imagine.  
grahamCracker: Like SpaceJam.  
moose  
grahamCracker banned himself from the memo.  
grahamCracker unbanned himself from the memo.  
grahamCracker: Actually, no.  
grahamCracker: I’m not running away from you, assgape.  
moose  
grahamCracker: You have run like obsidian, uncomfortably sensual sand through my fingers for the ask time, shitcheese.  
grahamCracker: It ends now.  
moose  
grahamCracker: Yeah, yeah.  
grahamCracker: Do you serve any other purpose than to cryptically type the names of woodland creatures at the unsuspecting and delusional?  
maaugh  
grahamCracker: And so you prove yourself to be a two-trick pony.  
maa  
malugh  
maaaaaaugh  
grahamCracker: Yeah, hork it up. Get it out of your system.  
i am not sure what you want me to say  
grahamCracker: I’m assuming you’re the fucktrumpet with the horns and not the vampire moosebeast?  
my fucktrumpetry or lack thereof is a gross presumption on your part  
but yes  
i am not a vampire moose  
grahamCracker: Small miracles.  
grahamCracker: So do you actually serve any purpose?  
grahamCracker: Besides periodically attempting to scare the shit out of me and, I assume, performing some kind of evil delusion plumbing on my sink?  
grahamCracker: That’s you, right?  
grahamCracker: Sinks don’t just start a-bubbling over blood, in my admittedly inexpert opinion.  
i am a manifestation of the creature you hunt  
the creature who in turn hunts you  
grahamCracker: Yeah, no dip, cockweasel.  
i am nightmare  
i am smoke  
i am your hell  
i have come to eat you alive  
grahamCracker: Are all hallucinations so adept at pointing out the blindingly-fucking-obvious or did I just get so gosh-darn lucky to get saddled with you, shitfuck?  
i don’t know man  
in fact  
why don’t you tell me smart guy  
i am your hallucination  
i just regurgitate the mental fuckbile you’ve failed to digest   
i do have one question though  
grahamCracker: Oh fucking boy.  
grahamCracker: My hallucination wants to ask me a question.  
grahamCracker: Where the fuck is Lecter when you need him?  
grahamCracker: This would put me on the psychoanalytic map.  
grahamCracker: What is it?  
grahamCracker: I’ve got to know what the hell you could possibly want to ask me.  
why am i always naked whenever i manifest  
is there something not-very-psuedo sexual going on that i as your disturbing hallucination should know about  
it’s kind of weird because i seriously get this gay vibe but i haven’t really been exploring the options presented by your confused libido so would it like  
super wig you out if i came onto you  
all nightmarishly sexy and stuff  
please be honest  
because i am so down for that  
like  
you don't even know  
i mean as long as it's really going to mess you up  
grahamCracker: siefn;woieej ow efne  
grahamCracker banned himself from the memo.  
awesome  
looks like it totally will  
imma keep that in mind for next time  
i mean  
ahem  
moose  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: What  
katzouttathebag: In God’s great blue-green splendiferous fuck  
katzouttathebag: Was going on here?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Um, seriously.  
thePriceisright: What is this?  
thePriceisright: Is he just talking to himself?  
katzouttathebag: We need to have an intervention.  
katzouttathebag: I think Will is trying to cyber imaginary vampire mooses.  
thePriceisright: Still a better love story than Twilight.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

  
whineZeller: Semi Ironic Morgue Playlist Request List Part II GO!  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Tweeter and the Monkey Man.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I Shot the Sheriff  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Bohemian Rhapsody  
whineZeller: Yes.  
whineZeller: Yes.  
whineZeller: Yes.  
thePriceisright: Damn, that one’s good.  
katzouttathebag: I won the thread, everybody go home.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Rock the Casbah.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Faure’s Libera Me Domine.  
goreMet: Patrick Cassidy’s Vide Cor Meum.  
goreMet: Or Kelis’ Milkshake.  
thePriceisright: Your iTunes library must be a horror and a wonder.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Rainbow Dumbfuck Man-Flesh Barbeque’s Not A Pita Chip (It’s Human)  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Baby Got Back.  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: Hall and Oates’ Maneater.  
crawDad: That’s The Way (I Like It)  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: floRida’s Low.  
katzouttathebag: Zeller! That’s your jam!  
whineZeller: Oh shit!  
whineZeller: If you come by and think Price and I are having seizures, it’s just AwwwTopsy getting down.  
katzouttathebag: White Boys Crumping.  
katzouttathebag: Oh man.  
katzouttathebag: They’re actually playing it.  
katzouttathebag: Bedelia, I’m not sure if I love you for this or if I’ll never be able to forgive you for it.  
xxxphile: Par for the course. Just take a video and send it to me.


	5. Chapter 5

goreMet began chatting with chiltonHead

goreMet: Dr. Chilton, good afternoon.  
goreMet: Dr. Lecter here.  
goreMet: Might I request your presence at a small dinner party I am having at about nine on Wednesday? There are a few matters I wish to discuss with you and I believe we could discuss them over cocktails.  
chiltonHead: Matters regarding?  
goreMet: Our mutual acquaintance currently in your care.  
chiltonHead:  Then why don’t you just ask me now?  
goreMet: Ah, Will, good afternoon.  
hey there  
chiltonHead:  uh  
goreMet: Pardon?  
chiltonHead:  Nothing.  
goreMet: I see Dr. Chilton has not learned to be protective of his phone.   
goreMet: And I received your missive.  
goreMet: I am touched to learn that you continue to think of me, even when we are apart.  
are those antlers sprouting from your back or are you just feeling a little horny  
chiltonHead:  UH  
goreMet: Will.  
goreMet: I somehow feel I do not have your full attention.  
chiltonHead:  Well, you know me, Hannibal.  
not as well as he'd like  
chiltonHead:  Uh, always trying to parse what's a hallucination and what's reality.  
chiltonHead:  DO ever so fucking PARDON me if I have a little trouble keeping them straight.  
not the only thing you have trouble keeping straight  
chiltonHead:  As you had more than your fair share of influence in causing that confusion.  
goreMet: I am saddened to learn that you believe that my failings as a psychiatrist have seemed to cause your fracture from reality.  
goreMet: Please accept my assurance that I never intended for you to hallucinate  
goreMet: What was it?  
goreMet: Vampire mooses.  
he was probably aiming for me and the moosebeast got in there first  
you're so popular will  
every good monster wants a piece of you  
a raw bloody tattered piece of you  
yielding to their teeth  
slipping over their tongues  
sliding down their throats  
taste by taste  
mouthful by mouthful  
bite by bite  
over  
and over  
and over again  
chiltonHead:  UHHH  
goreMet: In any event, everyone thoroughly enjoyed the video you sent.  
chiltonHead:  What do you want to know from Chilton?  
goreMet: I’m merely concerned that you are using up all of the poor man’s roaming data.  
goreMet: If you would like a device of your own, I’m sure I could speak to him about providing something with very stauch parental controls.  
chiltonHead:  That would be so kind, I’m sure.  
chiltonHead:  Actually, I like having access to Chilton’s phone.  
chiltonHead:  The only source of consistent entertainment in here is mental chess with Abel and reading Chilton’s screechingly hilarious Grindr profile.  
goreMet: Will.  
goreMet: That is very naughty of you.  
you should be punished  
chiltonHead:  Spare me.  
goreMet: In any event, if you continue to send me these charming little videos, I will have to retaliate.  
goreMet: I know how dangerous it is to engage a man such as yourself, but blocking you has done precious little to prevent you from provoking me.  
chiltonHead:  [ Fine.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRvpGGc9Jv8)  
goreMet: I see.  
goreMet: Shots fired.  
goreMet: Well, at least the thread will appreciate this.  
goreMet: Ta ta, Will.  
chiltonHead:  See ya.  
chiltonHead:  Wait.  
chiltonHead:  What thread?  
hee hee

 

 

goreMet RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

goreMet: Well, let me provide this for the world at large.   
goreMet: I’m sure someone will find it satisfying.

\-- goreMet posted the file “wheretheresawill.txt” CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY \--

whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Eesh.  
whineZeller: That’s rough.  
whineZeller: Although I have to admit that Will sounds about the same as ever.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: What song are you going to send him in reply?  
goreMet: Probably Wrecking Ball.  
whineZeller: GENIUS  
goreMet: And then We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.  
whineZeller: PLEASE write up a playlist of these. It will become the morgue’s official heartbreak playlist.  
goreMet: Very well.  
goreMet: And the dinner party is not a convenient hook. I hope I can expect to see you all then? It will be an intimate affair and I am hopeful that we will not find ourselves only talking about work.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: I will be there if I have to pitch a tent outside and stake your home out.  
thePriceisright: Is there anything I can bring?  
goreMet: Only yourself.  
goreMet: Preferably sans tent.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Bella and I will be happy to be there.   
katzouttathebag: I’ll be there.   
katzouttathebag: I really want to meet any woman who thinks she can best me in an X-Files trivia throwdown.   
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Oh.  
xxxphile: Ms. Katz, please excuse me.  
xxxphile: I am afraid I grossly misrepresented the situation.  
katzouttathebag: How so?  
xxxphile: I never meant to imply that I thought I knew more about The X-Files than you.  
xxxphile: I know it.  
xxxphile: It is a solid and immutable fact.  
xxxphile: You will be crushed beneath my heel.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, that right?  
katzouttathebag: Well, come try me, cupcake.  
katzouttathebag: Me and my self-run X-Files wiki are going to drop you on your shapely Ventrue ass.  
xxxphile: While I can’t imagine why you would think my rear is appealing, since we’ve never met outside of these chatboard, I’m glad you imagine it to be shapely, because when I lay you out with an exact recital of all the dialogue from Season 5 Episode 13 _Patient X_ , including the Russian, you will be more than welcome to kiss it.  
xxxphile: “Cupcake.”  
whineZeller: Okay, okay, break it up.  
whineZeller: None of us can focus on very important chainsawing or cutting open all these deads if Katz keeps squirming.  
xxxphile: I suppose I shall have to be in attendance, if only to protect my rightful position as Supreme Empress of The X-Files.  
katzouttathebag: Oh I am going to just  
thePriceisright: We have confiscated Katz’s phone. Let’s move on.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Gee whiz, can I come?  
goreMet: I cannot possibly advocate you pulling an Abel Gideon for the sake of attending my dinner party.  
goreMet: However, I could prepare an additional meal and have it delivered to you.  
grahamCracker: Let me guess: pig's ear?  
grahamCracker: Oh, wait, pardon me. Maybe that should be Peg's ear?  
grahamCracker: Carmen asada?  
grahamCracker: Peking Dick?  
goreMet: How does one block a user from responding?  
thePriceisright: Options.  
goreMet banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
goreMet: Despite your incredibly insulting behavior, I will make another plate and ask Dr. Chilton to bring it to you.  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: You’re still inviting Chilton?  
whineZeller: Uh-oh.  
whineZeller: Green-eyed monster much?  
grahamCracker2 banned himself from responding to the memo.  
goreMet: How interesting.  
goreMet: Obviously some methods of ejecting Will are more effective than others.  
whineZeller: You just gotta know how to wrangle him.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: So we’re still on for Saturday, right?  
whineZeller: It’s my cousin Lucille and her fiancé this time. I think you met them when Chip got married? Whatever, you won’t be able to miss them.  
whineZeller: And, uh, I think my mom still thinks you’re in grad school for economics? Whatever. Might wanna snag a CliffNotes for that but nobody in my family has any money sense so they won’t be asking you about it.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Public memo, dude.  
whineZeller: Damn it.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: What are you up to?  
whineZeller: My cousin’s getting married.  
BloominOnion: I gathered that.  
BloominOnion: The point?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: We made a sacred pact one happy hour in time immemorial.  
thePriceisright: Swearing our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor that nobody would ever be dateless.  
BloominOnion: You all fake-date each other?  
thePriceisright: We’re all single nerds, Alana.  
thePriceisright: Single nerds are crafty nerds.  
BloominOnion: That’s adorable.  
katzouttathebag: Since I’m not out to my family and I have no intention of being out to my family while there is any hope of inheritance, it’s a lot easier to bring Zeller or Price along on fancy occasions.  
katzouttathebag: And I’ve gotten Z and P out of familial pinches now and then.  
katzouttathebag: I’m the town _Phoenix dactylifera_.  
katzouttathebag: Everybody gets a date.  
whineZeller: Plus we have incredible chemistry, so people totally buy that we're dating.  
whineZeller: Especially when we're on the dance floor.  
katzouttathebag: Play That Funky Music kind of is the Morgue Pride jam.  
thePriceisright: And you can always count on it being played at the wedding.  
thePriceisright: All you have to do it imagine the bar is a gurney with a body on it and it's pretty much like being the lab with the tunes cranked.  
whineZeller: Hell, play enough Earth, Wind, and Fire and everybody looks like they're dating everybody else.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Doesn’t fake-dating severely impede your ability to find a partner?  
katzouttathebag: Not really.  
katzouttathebag: I got laid once by breaking up with Zeller at the reception and sobbing into a bridesmaid’s decolletage.  
whineZeller: It was a masterpiece.  
whineZeller: I don’t know how you managed to cry that realistically after only two glasses of wine.  
katzouttathebag: Thanks! But it wasn’t a patch on your scheme to catch me in the storage closet WITH the bridesmaid and reap the sympathy of all the eligible women with a fondness for scruffy brunettes. What a coup.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Did I hear my demographic?  
katzouttathebag: And then the next day, while Zeller was at brunch with his family, we patched it up over texts.  
katzouttathebag: The perfect crime.  
whineZeller: That was a great wedding.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah, but I smelled like the bridesmaid's perfume for a while.  
katzouttathebag: At the onset it was charming, but...three-day old green apple body spray?  
xxxphile: Ugh.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah. Good thing I work with corpses. Easy to hide the smell.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Random-Ass Dead Guy  
whineZeller: Made Into A Tree  
whineZeller: R-O-T-T-I-N-G  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: He paved paradise to put up a parking lot.  
katzouttathebag: Got his guts ripped out, a bouquet, and some nasty brown rot.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Things we know about the Chesapeake Ripper:  
thePriceisright: 1. He likes Joni Mitchell.  
thePriceisright: 2. He probably just loves the Cherry Blossoms.  
thePriceisright: 3. He is a horror on the face of the earth and must be brought to justice.  
thePriceisright: 4. He is funny as fuck.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: These and other reasons why I will never, ever allow any of you to participate in press conferences.

 

 

crawDad RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CatchtheChesapeakeRipper

crawDad: I’ve called you all to this private memo to discuss a matter of some delicacy.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Yes, sir.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: What matter, sir?  
chiltonHead RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
chiltonHead: It regards Hannibal Lecter.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Um  
whineZeller: Hi.  
crawDad: Dr. Chilton has brought some concerns to my attention regarding Dr. Lecter’s potential involvement with the Chesapeake Ripper.  
whineZeller: That’s really interesting, but, uh, listen, are we sure this isn’t Will?  
whineZeller: He’s been stealing Dr. Chilton’s phone and there’s precedent for him impersonating Dr. Chilton over a chat client.  
chiltonHead: I assure you that this is indeed Frederick Chilton.  
chiltonHead: I have retrieved my phone from Mr. Graham’s custody and have provided him with a substitute device.  
chiltonHead: Believe me, the parental controls on that thing are ridiculous.  
crawDad: I vouch for Dr. Chilton’s identity in this chatroom.  
katzouttathebag: To return to the subject, sir, we looked very deeply into Dr. Lecter’s matters and found nothing to implicate him.  
crawDad: Yes, I’m aware of that, but I also credit Dr. Lecter with being intelligent enough to be able to destroy any evidence if he were to engage in these activities.  
crawDad: And he does fit the profile.  
whineZeller: That’s true. Can I ask what our starting point is? What’s excited new interest in Dr. Lecter’s alleged guilt?  
crawDad: Dr. Chilton?  
chiltonHead: Aside the fact that Abel Gideon has implicated him, Dr. Lecter has made numerous references to cannibalistic behavior, constantly in the form of jokes.  
thePriceisright: I see.

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY  
thePriceisright: Oh my God.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: He made puns!  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Puns of the devil!  
katzouttathebag: He’s guilty!  
thePriceisright: You’ll swing for this, you sick bastard!

whineZeller: What exactly did Abel Gideon say? If you can discuss that.   
chiltonHead: Abel Gideon has retracted his statements, but Mr. Crawford should be able to fill you in on his exact statements.

 

katzouttathebag: MY GOD   
katzouttathebag: This is a masterpiece of reliable detective work!

crawDad: I’m not asking you to go over everything all over again, but I am asking you to be on your toes.   
crawDad: Between yourselves, decide who will have to leave the dinner party early.

 

  
katzouttathebag: NOT IT   
thePriceisright: Not it!   
whineZeller: Not   
whineZeller: DAMN IT

crawDad: Claim you can’t stay, and request to bring some of the food with you.   
crawDad: Test it and tell me what it is.

 

  
whineZeller: Fine. But you guys owe me.

crawDad: Just to completely cover our bases.

crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I guess it's just a good God damn thing that you little bastards have this Cannibal Dodgeball Hootenanny Shitshow to play with or I'd have to worry about you saying this kind of shit in the other chats.

thePriceisright: Yes, sir.   
katzouttathebag: Sounds reasonable. We'll report our findings as soon as we get them.   
whineZeller: I volunteer to bow-out early.   
crawDad: I appreciate your initiative.   
chiltonHead: I will anticipate your results with considerable interest.   
thePriceisright: Thank you for the heads up, Dr. Chilton.   
crawDad: That's all for now.

whineZeller TWO DAYS LATER responded to the memo.

whineZeller: The samples collected from the dinner party were tissues of pig, goose, Kobe beef.   
whineZeller: The samples contained no human meat.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: SUR   
whineZeller: FUCKING   
whineZeller: PRISE   
whineZeller: If you need me I'll be chainsawing the tree man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Semi-Ironic Morgue Playlist is available [here](http://8tracks.com/necro-ink/semi-ironic-morgue-playlist). Take a listen!


	6. Chapter 6

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY  
thePriceisright: Haiku thread. Write one,  
‘cause why not? Everybody  
likes haikus, mostly.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Chickenshit X Files  
pseudo-fangirl bails on féte,  
news at eleven.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Fluish genius reads  
wiki full of shallow fan  
theories, unimpressed.  
katzouttathebag: Excellent wiki  
fails to impress a hater,  
I cry all the tears.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Stop competing with  
Will and Hannibal for most  
sexual tension.  
whineZeller: It’s awkward and no  
one likes to read it except  
Price but he is weird.  
thePriceisright: I’m just glad to see  
you flirt, Katz; good to see you  
back in the saddle.  
katzouttathebag: You’re not my brothers  
and I’m not in high school so  
don’t try to tease me.  
katzouttathebag: I’m not Will, so I  
can have an argument with-  
out wanting to screw.  
xxxphile: I concur. One can  
engage in a sacred war  
without lewd motives.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I don’t know what you  
think you see as sexual  
tension, but you’re wrong.  
moose moose moose moose moose  
moose moose moose moose moose moose moose  
moose moose moose let’s fuck.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I think it would be  
very rash to present such  
premature claims, Will.  
grahamCracker: How it is even  
remotely possible that  
you’re a real doctor?  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: You are all complete  
embarrassments to your fields.  
You’re lucky you’re fun.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory presents: the Hannibal Lecter Fund to Buy A Single Set of Weekend Clothes for Underprivileged Psychiatrists.  
whineZeller: So far people have been very generous in supporting this important social cause.   
whineZeller: Special thanks go to Jack Crawford, who pledged $20 if I would “keep this horseshit in the lab and get out of [his] face.”  
whineZeller: I will attempt to honor that, JC.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I’m happy to do my part for the community.  
crawDad: And get you out of my face.  
whineZeller: For $20, I will stay out of someone’s face from now until the ending of the world.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: You’re like a reverse hooker!  
katzouttathebag: People pay you to not touch them and go away.  
whineZeller: I know what my second career is going to be!  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: We’re getting off topic. I should explain.  
thePriceisright: We’ve never seen Dr. Lecter in weekend clothes, and we work Saturdays.  
thePriceisright: We don’t know when his birthday is, and it would feel kind of weird and invasive to dig it up, so we’re assigning him a new one.  
thePriceisright: He’s getting new clothes for his new birthday.  
thePriceisright: Pony up.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: This is extremely kind but I feel I ought to mention that I do, in fact, possess at least one set of casual clothing.  
whineZeller: The fuck you say?!  
goreMet: It is quite true.  
goreMet: Jack has seen them.  
katzouttathebag: *cue Jerry Springer “ooooh”s*  
thePriceisright: What are they?  
goreMet: As I recall, I wore a red sweater and a pair of dark trousers.  
thePriceisright: Nope.  
goreMet: “Nope”?  
katzouttathebag: He's right.  
whineZeller: It’s not weekend clothes unless jeans are involved.  
whineZeller: Sneakers, even.  
goreMet: Pardon, Mr. Zeller, but is that not a description of your daily uniform?  
whineZeller: You forget the white coat.  
whineZeller: And the shirt.  
thePriceisright: Although you have been known to go topless under your shirt.  
whineZeller: I am so available, ladies.  
katzouttathebag: You deserve a t-shirt, H.  
goreMet: Oh, I assure you, I do not.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Might I recommend a straitjacket?  
goreMet: White really isn’t my color.  
goreMet: I think of myself as an autumn.  
whineZeller banned grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Hannibal, I’m talking  
whineZeller: Bermuda  
whineZeller: Shorts.  
goreMet: Mr. Zeller, you go too far.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: I pledge $30 to the Bermuda shorts fund.  
goreMet: Judas Iscariot DuMaurier.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Bad decisions 2014.  
thePriceisright: I have decided that this is the year I finally get a piercing.  
thePriceisright: I’ve been wanting to for years but I’ve been holding on to some bizarre sense that I will make myself unemployable by doing so.  
thePriceisright: But that ship has sailed and if I’m unemployable it is because of my association with you assholes and not because of any holes I want to put in my body.  
thePriceisright: If you are likewise considering an ill-advised course of action, put your project here for a little loving jackass support.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Price, at last. You’ve been talking about a septum ring as long as I’ve known you.  
thePriceisright: I think that might be a little ambitious for a first project. I’m thinking maybe an ear stud is a good place to start.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: I’ve seen you in the gym. You look good enough to get away with a navel piercing.  
thePriceisright: Really?  
whineZeller: Or nips.  
thePriceisright: No nips.  
katzouttathebag: Or tongue.   
thePriceisright: Hmm!  
katzouttathebag: As for me, I want a tattoo.  
katzouttathebag: My ever so professionally punk jacket feels like a sexy leather lie on my unadorned arms.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: What would be the design?  
katzouttathebag: I don’t know yet.  
katzouttathebag: Maybe some kind of script?  
katzouttathebag: Piece of art?  
katzouttathebag: If anyone needs me I’ll be studiously performing my duties and NOT looking for tattoo inspiration.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I could recommend an excellent tattoo artist.  
xxxphile: As could I.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: No way. You guys have ink?  
goreMet: Indeed.  
xxxphile: Of course.  
katzouttathebag: What are they?  
xxxphile: "Non temetis messor."  
katzouttathebag: Ooh, sexy.  
goreMet: “‘Poscia, più che ’l dolor, poté ’l digiuno.’ --Inferno, Canto XXXIII, Line 75.”   
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Oh, my God, you incredible pretentious nadweasel.  
grahamCracker: Really?  
grahamCracker: Really.  
grahamCracker: Are you even trying anymore?  
grahamCracker: You have a tattoo about cannibalism.  
grahamCracker: You have a tattoo, in Italian, taken from a work of classical literature, about cannibalism.  
grahamCracker: You are literally everything that is wrong with this world.  
thePriceisright banned  grahamCracker from responding to the memo.  
goreMet: I’m impressed that you’re so up on your Dante, Will.  
goreMet: I treat it as a reminder of the terrible strength the body can exert when the strength of the mind and spirit are exhausted, lest I ever blindly assume my cerebral pursuits have overwhelmed the vitality and power of my physical form.  
grahamCracker2 RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker2: You are  
grahamCracker2: SUCH  
grahamCracker2: a  
grahamCracker2: mother-shipping ducknugget.  
thePriceisright banned  grahamCracker2 from responding to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Wait.  
katzouttathebag: What?  
thePriceisright unbanned  grahamCracker2 from responding to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Spelling problems, Will?  
grahamCracker2: Duck you.  
grahamCracker2: *duck  
grahamCracker2: *DUCK!  
whineZeller: What’s going on over there, buddy?  
thePriceisright: Autocorrect troubles?  
grahamCracker2: No.  
grahamCracker2: I’m typing it all correctly. It’s just changing it after I hit “submit.”  
grahamCracker2: I have no ducking clue, this shippy phone is   
grahamCracker2: kjenf;w e;fw;dnslkbdv;us nf  
goreMet: Ah.  
goreMet: I believe Dr. Chilton took my advice about parental controls very much to heart.  
whineZeller: Oh.  
whineZeller: Oh my God.  
grahamCracker2: YOU  
thePriceisright: You mean Will can’t swear?  
grahamCracker2: YOU SHIP SUCKING  
katzouttathebag: Oh my God.  
grahamCracker2: STICK EATING  
katzouttathebag: That’s like cutting off an Italian’s hands!  
grahamCracker2: MOTHER DUCKING  
katzouttathebag: How is he supposed to speak his language?  
grahamCracker2: ASP HOLE  
goreMet: Oh, Beverly, I think that is a little extreme.  
goreMet: Will is extremely adaptable and commendably flexible in even the hardest situations.  
goreMet: As you can see, his nimble mind is already performing offensive verbal gymnastics the maneuvers of which shall be the talk of the finer circles of linguistics scholars for years to come.   
grahamCracker2: SUCK MY STICK YOU SHIP PAIL  
goreMet: Truly a credit to his brilliance. He must be Dr. Chilton’s jewel.  
grahamCracker2: GO DUCK YOURSELF WITH A CACTUS FULL OF SWITCHBLADES  
thePriceisright: Oh my God, this is hilarious.  
whineZeller: I feel like we should block him for this but it’s all just so goddamn cute!  
grahamCracker2: HAM YOU ALL  
grahamCracker2: MAY YOU ALL BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF WELL, YOU SOCK-PIGS  
katzouttathebag: Wait, but why didn’t it get “nadweasel”?  
goreMet: Perhaps it permits the medical term “gonads”?  
thePriceisright: Give it a shot, Will.  
grahamCracker2: NO.  
whineZeller: Come on, man, we’re trying to get you back on the potty-mouth wagon.  
thePriceisright: Help us help you.  
grahamCracker2: GONAD.  
grahamCracker2: Oh thank God!  
grahamCracker2: Uh, intercourse.  
grahamCracker2: Yeah!  
katzouttathebag: There you go. Back in the saddle.  
grahamCracker2: *****  
grahamCracker2: Wait, seriously? Not *****?  
grahamCracker2: ******.  
grahamCracker2: Chilton, you ducking prude!  
whineZeller: What were those?  
grahamCracker2: Anatomically-correct terms for stick and runt, respectively.  
katzouttathebag: Will, don’t use “runt.” It’s a horrible, ugly word.  
grahamCracker2: Well, obviously I CAN’T use it now, but I’ll keep that in mind, Beverly. I don’t like it much either, but I figured he’d block *****.  
grahamCracker2: Uh, kind of a stretch, but “fussy”?  
goreMet: As a lover of language, I must say I find this stunningly interesting.  
grahamCracker2: SUCK MY LEFT GONAD.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: I am gratified to my bones to present the Classified Top-Secret Super Lock-Down Invitation Only Ay Yo Das Gay 2.  
whineZeller: Our perimeter is sealed, ladies and gentlemen, and we are in what I am assured could be referred to as “business.”  
whineZeller: Today’s discussion: a call for playlist entries.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Tegan and Sara’s Closer.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Gloria Estefan’s Everlasting Love.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Lily Allen’s Never Going to Happen.  
whineZeller: Ooh, burn.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Sophie B. Hawkins’ As I Lay Me Down.  
katzouttathebag: Is there any way to read that song really, really sarcastically?  
BloominOnion: Is it not already?  
katzouttathebag: Fair. The Pierces’ Sticks and Stones.  
thePriceisright: Mr. Brightside by the Killers.  
whineZeller: Oh shit.  
whineZeller: Definitive: Nine Inch Nails. Closer.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I’m sorry to say I cannot keep an eye on this eternally entertaining thread for a much longer duration than that in which I can report the maneuvers in my and Will’s video-exchange.   
goreMet: On Tuesday, he sent me Eat Randy. I responded with the [following](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRFHAvdwXXs).  
goreMet: On Wednesday, I received [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEwNc). My response was, I think, [well-suited](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShKM0ZVM9hI).  
goreMet: On Thursday, his [attempt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6j4f8cHBIM) met mine [thus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw).  
goreMet: I am still awaiting today’s exchange. Also I would be remiss to fail to mention Can’t Remember To Forget You as an entry for the playlist. I leave it to you to determine who sings which part.   
whineZeller: I think you’re probably Rihanna. You two have similar self-confidence and you’re both just a bit goth.  
goreMet: Thank you. That was my thinking, as well.

 

 

grahamCracker RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY  
grahamCracker: Stick.  
grahamCracker: Ship.  
grahamCracker: Ham.  
grahamCracker: Glut.  
grahamCracker: Hag.  
grahamCracker: Itch.  
grahamCracker: Oar.  
grahamCracker: Sock-waffle.  
grahamCracker: UGH.  
what you wouldn’t give for a good, solid fuck right now, hmm  
grahamCracker: Tell me about it.  
grahamCracker: Wait.  
cain’ttouchthis RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
cain’ttouchthis: Is there some kind of rule in this asylum that all dining trays have to be wet?  
grahamCracker: Uh.  
cain’ttouchthis: We are truly living in the earliest ages of man.  
cain’ttouchthis: Do you know who I am?  
cain’ttouchthis: I was a highly respected surgeon. I transplanted innards as easily as one flips a lightswitch.  
cain’ttouchthis: More importantly, I was a man who used to visit canteens with DRY FUCKING TRAYS.  
grahamCracker: Oh my God, Abel.  
grahamCracker: Say that again!  
cain’ttouchthis: DRY  
cain’ttouchthis: FUCKING  
cain’ttouchthis: TRAYS  
grahamCracker: Oh man. Thank you. I needed that.  
grahamCracker: As you were saying?  
cain’ttouchthis: I am going to _hack_ at someone’s neck with the thin bit of a damp tray if they can’t manage to let them dry and disinfect.  
cain’ttouchthis: I don’t think I’m asking for much.  
cain’ttouchthis: Just a slightly reduced likelihood of getting FUCKING SALMONELLA everytime I try to eat what they so fancifully assert is “food.”  
grahamCracker: Oh yeah. Don’t stop.  
hrmm  
cain’ttouchthis: There was a time when I would’ve ruled these people.  
cain’ttouchthis: Sent them skittering like ants.  
cain’ttouchthis: Now the orderlies look at me wall-eyed whenever I try to have a conversation.  
cain’ttouchthis: Or, you know, push me down a flight of stairs.  
cain’ttouchthis: Whatever.  
cain’ttouchthis: I am not especially picky at this point in my career.  
cain’ttouchthis: But every single day, the tray is wet.  
cain’ttouchthis: Today’s tray is wet.  
cain’ttouchthis: Yesterday’s tray was wet.  
cain’ttouchthis: The day before: wet.  
cain’ttouchthis: The day before that: wet.  
cain’ttouchthis: Do they dry them in a rainforest?  
cain’ttouchthis: We have the might of the most incredible intellects of the history of mankind at our fingertips, and computers strong enough to drive rockets into outer space, to say nothing of imitation cheese food and the pudding cup, but we can’t have a single dry fucking tray?  
cain’ttouchthis: To say NOTHING  
cain’ttouchthis: not WORD FUCKING ONE  
cain’ttouchthis: about the fact that they inevitably serve peas with the penne.  
cain’ttouchthis: Because the peas are green and the sauce is red (which, ugh) and then the peas end up rolling inside the penne noodles and it’s just kind of   
cain’ttouchthis: _weird._  
grahamCracker: Jesus. Abel, I’m going to have to know how you found out about this chatroom in a little while, but for now, could you just, maybe, bellow the, uh, f-expletive at the top of your lungs for a few minutes?  
cain’ttouchthis: Will, if it will fuck with Chilton, I am already there.  
grahamCracker: Oh my God.  
grahamCracker: Yes.  
grahamCracker: Perfect.  
grahamCracker: Thank you so much.  
grahamCracker: You’ve got a lovely voice, actually.  
grahamCracker: By the way, how are you even online?  
cain’ttouchthis: Through traditional means.  
cain’ttouchthis: I stole Chilton’s phone.  
cain’ttouchthis: Want to see how many ways we can fuck with his Grindr profile before he catches us?  
grahamCracker: Abel.  
grahamCracker: Would it be awkward to say I just fell a little bit in love with you?  
cain’ttouchthis: Excruciatingly so. Please refrain.  
grahamCracker: Cool.  
grahamCracker: I think this is the beginning of something beautiful.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Semi-Ironic Morgue Playlist is available [here](http://8tracks.com/necro-ink/semi-ironic-morgue-playlist). Take a listen!

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: WillWatch April 2014 has joyous news, Rumpus Makers.  
thePriceisright: Our beloved native son, Will “You Colossal Douchebag” Graham is a free man.  
thePriceisright: Our boy is not a murderer in the eyes of the American justice system.  
thePriceisright: Is he a cannibal?  
thePriceisright: Well, he did barf up an ear, however it got there.  
thePriceisright: In any event, we sing songs of rejoicing, for the pendulum has swung and one of our own has returned to us.   
thePriceisright: In honor of the occasion, we’re taking him out for ribs.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I hate you all so much, you were no help whatsoever while I was in the slammer, but despite my better judgment I guess I missed you.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: You’re going to make Jack cry.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Shut your mouth. I just have something in my eye.  
thePriceisright: What’s first on your itinerary for your first day of freedom?  
grahamCracker: I’ll give you the short list.  
grahamCracker: 9AM-10AM --An hour in the shower while drinking three fingers of whiskey.  
grahamCracker: 10AM-6PM --Play with dogs, nap with dogs, walk dogs. Everybody gets at least one hour of solid petting while we pile on the couch to marathon Stiller/Wilson movies.  
grahamCracker: 6PM-7:30PM --Dinner. Steak, potatoes, green fucking vegetables, and 9+ pounds of dessert.  
grahamCracker: 7:30PM-midnight --Casual drinking and more dog petting.  
grahamCracker: midnight-whenever the fuck I want o’clock --Sleeping.  
katzouttathebag: Now you’re going to make me cry.  
katzouttathebag: Damn you, you asshat, how dare you be both a huge sack of dicks and yet innately lovable via your connection to and fondness for animals?  
grahamCracker: I’m just so fucking deep and complex, Katz.  
grahamCracker: Chicks dig it.  
grahamCracker: Dogs dig it.  
grahamCracker: I just can’t explain it.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Good to have you back, homeslice. See you at the barbeque joint.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Can Hannibal Lecter Swear?: A Scientific Study  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: And Betting Pool.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: What do the odds look like?  
whineZeller: Sorry, Bedelia, but you’ve been his psychiatrist for long enough that you have privileged information.  
whineZeller: We can’t accept your bets.  
xxxphile: My money is as good as anyone else’s!  
whineZeller: Sorry, girl. No dice.  
xxxphile banned herself from responding to the memo.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Twenty dollars says no swearing and no substitutions.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: I’ll put down ten that he does substitute, but it’s always stuff like “malediction” and “for the love of Christ” and “damnation.”  
katzouttathebag: I think he’s got to swear in other languages. Definitely Latin, Italian, French, and Spanish, possibly German.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Like a sailor, but only while fucking.  
whineZeller: I thought I just said no privileged information?  
grahamCracker: Fuck you, you pervert. Not everything is a slash fanfiction, least of all my association with Hannibal Lecter.  
whineZeller: Ninety percent of the stupid shit perpetrated every day would argue that the world could conceivably be just one long, poorly-constructed slash fanfic written by the unsteady, sweaty hand of a god.  
whineZeller: So fuck you right back.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: I think he might, sometimes, but never above a very soft whisper and only while alone.  
BloominOnion: Definitely never in public.  
BloominOnion: And I think Bella’s got to be right, generally, although I’d say he probably says “fuck” once a decade.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: I feel really good about Jack’s formulation. $50 on that.  
whineZeller: I’m going to say he substitutes, but with stuff like “blast” and “darn” and “shoot.”  
cain’ttouchthis RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
cain’ttouchthis: $25 on Will Graham’s suggestion.  
cain’ttouchthis banned himself from responding to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Who in fuck was that and how in fuck did they get this password?  
grahamCracker: Obviously just someone who knows the intricate intimacies of Hannibal Lecter’s personality.  
grahamCracker: Uh  
grahamCracker: In a totally heterosexual way, of course.  
thePriceisright: Obviously.  
whineZeller: If Chilton shows up, we have to swear that we will burn the chat boards down.  
whineZeller: One doucheweasel at a time, please.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: I just got cut off in traffic and very nearly recorded the license number to put out a missing vehicle report.  
thePriceisright: Put your pet peeves here to make me feel like less of a neurotic dingus.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Stepping on a damp floor in your socks.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: That is not a pet peeve.  
katzouttathebag: That is grounds for suicide.  
katzouttathebag: Cleaning up other people’s dirty dishes.  
whineZeller: Tangled Christmas tree lights.  
katzouttathebag: People who drink out of the orange juice carton.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: This thread is making my skin crawl.  
xxxphile: People who chew with their mouths open.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: And that is grounds for murder.  
tacoBellasupreme: People who can’t make decisions and stick with them.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Cannibals.  
grahamCracker: Serial killers.  
grahamCracker: People with pretentious tattoos.  
grahamCracker: Cat people.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Poetry readers who sound like they don’t understand what they read.  
goreMet: Anti-Stratfordians.  
goreMet: Men with too much cologne.  
goreMet: The very concept of AXE body spray.  
goreMet: Mouth-breathers.  
goreMet: People who blink unevenly.  
goreMet: Proust pronounced “Prowst.”  
goreMet: High water trousers.  
goreMet: Mismatched socks.  
goreMet: Linens of slightly different colors.  
goreMet: Musicians who editorialize the music they perform. (This one is rather rare but if Mozart wanted a fermata there he would have put a fermata there.)  
goreMet: Freezer malfunctions.  
goreMet: Vegans who have no other significant personality trait.  
goreMet: Squalling infants under any circumstances, including but not limited to: cinemas, restaurants, doctor’s offices, museums, parks, places of worship, markets, apartment buildings with thin walls...  
goreMet: People who are rude to baristas and waitstaff.  
goreMet: People who make or take phone calls in enclosed public spaces without excusing themselves.   
goreMet: Conspiracy theorists.  
goreMet: Inept emotional blackmailers.  
goreMet: The Library of Congress cataloging system.  
goreMet: Couples performing public displays of affection.  
goreMet: The youth.  
xxxphile: Good God, Hannibal.  
tacoBellasupreme: How much thought did you put into this?  
goreMet: Surely not more than the rest of you…?  
tacoBellasupreme: I’m not going to say I even remotely see Will’s point, but how do you live on a day-to-day basis?  
goreMet: With a clenched jaw, generally.  
katzouttathebag: No kidding.

 

 

grahamCracker RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

grahamCracker: Good chat, Hannibal, thanks for your time.  
grahamCracker: I really feel like we, y’know, cleared the air. Got out some of the problems we’ve been having.  
grahamCracker: Feels good, man.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I  
goreMet: Ah  
goreMet: Who  
goreMet: Why on earth  
goreMet: Will.  
goreMet: Where did you get a water gun?  
grahamCracker: Oh, this old thing?  
grahamCracker: Everybody should have one. I use it in the summer.  
goreMet: I am standing in front of my refrigerator, soaking wet. I can only conclude from the shock-fragmented portions of my memory that you entered my home, accosted me in my kitchen, and shot me with a water gun.  
goreMet: Due to the shock-fragmentation aforementioned, I know not how long ago this occurred.  
grahamCracker: Well, I’m in Wolf Trap, so you’ve been standing there soaking wet in front of your fridge like a goober for an hour.  
goreMet: Oh God.  
grahamCracker: Yeah?  
goreMet: All right, it’s fine.  
goreMet: Nothing spoiled.  
goreMet: Although I am certain my energy bill will be exorbitant this month.  
grahamCracker: All right, then.  
grahamCracker: We’re even.  
goreMet: “We’re even”?  
grahamCracker: Yeah.  
goreMet: That’s it? We’re even.  
goreMet: You broke into my home, laid in wait for me to return, held me at gunpoint, backed me up against my refrigerator, shot me with a water pistol  
grahamCracker: Super Soaker.  
goreMet: And you’re saying “we’re even”?  
grahamCracker: Yeah.  
grahamCracker: Totally.  
grahamCracker: I mean, you’re still a cannibalistic mass-murdering kuru-spreading typhoid Mary bitchy shitlord whose horrible nonsense needs must some day rise up and bite him squarely on his immaculately-tailored ass,  
grahamCracker: but for now we’re pretty much good.  
goreMet: Hm.  
goreMet: Well.  
goreMet: Yes, I suppose I did rather deserve that.  
grahamCracker: Fuck yeah you did.  
goreMet: All right, yes.  
goreMet: “We good?”  
grahamCracker: Yeah, son.  
grahamCracker: For now, we good.  
goreMet: Oh, Will, if only Beverly were reading this. That makes you sound so white.  
grahamCracker: Fuck you, man, like you’re fucking Wesley Snipes in your drenched bespoke whatnot.  
grahamCracker: Seriously, change out of that shit before you get a cold.  
goreMet: Excellent suggestion. I might attempt the oft-praised Will Graham “Three Fingers of Whiskey in the Shower” technique.  
grahamCracker: Takes years of practice, man. Pace yourself.  
whineZeller 12 HOURS LATER responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: [*sniff*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZOhm7qS-AI)

 

 

goreMet RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

goreMet: Alana, I’m afraid you left you hair clip at my home last night.  
goreMet: Shall I bring it by or would you prefer to meet for luncheon?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Public memo, Hannibal.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: UH  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Okay, calm down.  
grahamCracker: UH  
BloominOnion: First of all, it’s none of your business.  
BloominOnion: Second, if you must know, we’re in the same bowling league.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: When do you guys roll? We’ll look for you on league night.  
goreMet: I do apologize, Alana.  
BloominOnion: There’s no need to apologize.  
BloominOnion: I was wondering where I left it. I’ll pick it up on Tuesday.  
grahamCracker: Are you really telling me that Hannibal Fucking “Pretentious Italian Cannibalism Tattoo” Lecter can bear to put on shoes previously worn by strangers?  
goreMet: Of course not.  
goreMet: I have my own pair.  
grahamCracker: You have completely ruined the last good sport in the world.  
BloominOnion: Will.   
grahamCracker: Alana!  
grahamCracker: You told me you hated bowling.  
grahamCracker: You said it was a gross sport for sweaty late-middle age men with receding hairlines.  
BloominOnion: Oh?   
BloominOnion: Well, you told me [Actual Serial Killer Shia LaBeouf](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSO0lCO3TIg) was so ridiculous as to be completely unfunny, and that you would never be so uncreative as to sink to the Nimrod motif if you were to become a serial killer.   
BloominOnion: So I guess we both said things we didn’t mean.  
grahamCracker: I was acquitted!  
BloominOnion: You still barfed up an ear!   
grahamCracker: I didn’t put it there!  
BloominOnion: You’re still being a complete shit about this!  
goreMet: Fuck it, dude.  
goreMet: Let’s go bowling.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Huh.  
whineZeller: Nobody had "Only when quoting Coen Brothers movies," so I guess we'll just roll this one over into the next bet.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Roll it on over into the pot for Ay Yo Das Gay.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: What's that?  
whineZeller: Pool for when Bedelia and Beverly are going to meet, and whether they will argue or make out first.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck off.  
grahamCracker: $50 on argue.  
grahamCracker: Lust and sexy stilettos cannot conquer the ferocity of nerdy bullshit.  
katzouttathebag: Double fuck off.  
katzouttathebag: And sexy stilettos?  
grahamCracker: Oh yeah. She's a fox.  
katzouttathebag: Fuuuck.  
katzouttathebag banned herself from responding to the memo.  
grahamCracker banned himself from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Whew.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Nice save. Real subtle.  
whineZeller: Eat me.

 

 

goreMet RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

goreMet: Oh, my God.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: ...you okay?  
goreMet: Oh, my God.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Dispatching someone to your location.  
goreMet: No, no.  
goreMet: No, don’t bother.  
goreMet: It’s just that Will is here.  
whineZeller: Definitely still dispatching someone to your location.  
goreMet: No, he just showed up. With his hair cut, wearing a new shirt.   
goreMet: He’s here for an appointment.  
goreMet: His appointment.  
whineZeller: !!!!!  
katzouttathebag: Oh my God!  
goreMet: I’ve got to be cool, I must play it cool.  
katzouttathebag: Okay, you got this, Hannibal.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: What?! Seriously?  
thePriceisright: After all those breakup songs you sent him?  
thePriceisright: After all that Adele you mumbled?  
thePriceisright: He thinks he can just roll up in there like nothing happened?  
katzouttathebag: Dude, come on.  
thePriceisright: No!  
whineZeller: SHUT THE FUCK UP, PRICE.  
thePriceisright: NO!  
thePriceisright: This isn’t healthy.  
thePriceisright: Hannibal, I’m remote changing your ringtone to I Will Survive. Expect a call soon.  
whineZeller: The fuck you will!  
goreMet: He’s in the lavatory. He should return any moment, I must cut this short.  
katzouttathebag: Just, like, cross your legs or something.   
goreMet: They’ve been crossed since he told me he wanted to work out his “feelings about me.”  
katzouttathebag: Oh my God…!  
goreMet: It is completely unfair that he is quite that handsome after a stint in a mental institution.  
thePriceisright: And you told him it was over, right?  
goreMet: Yes, but he wishes to resume his therapy and  
thePriceisright: Hannibal?  
katzouttathebag: Well.  
thePriceisright: Fuck.  
katzouttathebag: This is exciting and new.  
thePriceisright: If he’s not at bowling tonight, we need to give Will a shovel-talk.  
whineZeller: [MY SHIP IS UNSINKABLE.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTtgVSxfr5M)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things!
> 
> [do-you-have-a-flag](http://do-you-have-a-flag.tumblr.com/) drew [this](http://do-you-have-a-flag.tumblr.com/post/82700047276/i-just-scribbled-a-bunch-of-stuff-from-the) and it is pretty much the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. In case you ever wanted to know EXACTLY what you are supposed to be imagining when you read this, go give it a lingering, obsessive stare.
> 
> This fic now has two playlists! [The Semi-Ironic Morgue Playlist](http://8tracks.com/necro-ink/semi-ironic-morgue-playlist) is now joined by its cousin and best friend, [Unsinkable](http://8tracks.com/necro-ink/unsinkable), a mix for ear-eating antler fetishists and the psychiatrists who love them.

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: You’re going to die one day.  
whineZeller: How do you want to go?  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Preferably by my own hand, actually.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Bella.  
tacoBellasupreme: I’m serious.  
tacoBellasupreme: It’s the ultimate form of self-possession. I live and I die as I choose. I want to be independent until the very end.  
crawDad: Well, I don’t want to die at all.  
crawDad: I’m going to aim for immortality.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Fall in the line of duty.  
crawDad: I’m touched.  
crawDad: I know it’s not for my sake, obviously, but it’s still touching.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah. I wanna go out swinging.  
whineZeller: Drown in a ball pit.  
katzouttathebag: Oh Jesus Christ.  
whineZeller: Yup.  
whineZeller: Scare the shit out of some kid.  
whineZeller: All fun and games until they reach for their sibling’s hand and grab my cold, dead fingers instead.  
whineZeller: When I am out of the Business, I want to be the corpse that makes the day of the next generation of AwwwTopsy.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: I’m tearing up.  
thePriceisright: We will secure a mighty and glorious rumpsy asshole legacy for our posterity.  
thePriceisright: To that end I want them to find me in the ice cream freezer at the Trader Joe’s.  
whineZeller: CoD?  
thePriceisright: I’m indifferent.  
thePriceisright: Murder, preferably.  
thePriceisright: As long as they find me clutching a Spice Girls album in my icy fist, I’m happy.  
whineZeller: Oh shit!  
katzouttathebag: Fuck.  
katzouttathebag: I thought I hid that CD.  
thePriceisright: Katz, you should know that if there is perfectly-aged nineties’ pop within two miles of us, we will sniff it out and crank it in the lab.   
katzouttathebag: And you two should know that this little dance party is going on the Internet.  
whineZeller: Make sure you get my ass’ good side.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: This devotion to the future of your vocation is inspiring.  
xxxphile: I am almost ashamed that my wish is to pull a Cato.  
katzouttathebag: Pardon?  
xxxphile: When Rome begins its decline and all my eloquence and example has failed to preserve that which I find truly virtuous in my city, rather than live under a tyrant I cannot esteem, I want to stick a sword in my belly,  
xxxphile: fail to kill myself cleanly,  
xxxphile: reach into the wound,  
xxxphile: and disembowel myself with my bare hands.  
whineZeller: Whoa.  
thePriceisright: Damn.  
katzouttathebag: That is metal as fuck.  
whineZeller: I think I speak for everyone here when I say “sploosh.”  
xxxphile: Thank you.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Well, well, this is tricky now.  
goreMet: Thales or Cicero?  
xxxphile: Oh, Hannibal.  
xxxphile: Cicero’s death would not suit you. After all, you have nothing to do with politics and only a smattering of rhetoric.  
goreMet: Ah, but can’t you imagine someone throwing my tongue on the floor of the Senate?  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I volunteer.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah, good job on the whole “I’m not guilty of ritual murder” thing, Will.  
goreMet: And on the other hand, would it not be glorious not only to die a true philosopher’s death and simultaneously reproduce one of the greatest pratfalls in history?   
grahamCracker: Is Socrates’ death not good enough for you?   
goreMet: Ah, but I have no intention of going to prison, much less dying there.  
goreMet: And poison is so undignified.  
tacoBellasupreme: Hey, it gets the job done.  
tacoBellasupreme: Or should, anyway.  
goreMet: The point I am trying to make is that there is no shame in being so preoccupied with one’s attention to the stars that one falls into a well and dies.  
goreMet: And even if there was, in that case I have no aversion to my death being followed by a rimshot.  
grahamCracker: And that’s dignified?  
goreMet: There is no dignity in death, Will, only gradations of degradation.  
goreMet: And accidents happen.  
goreMet: Heaven is worth falling for.  
grahamCracker: Except in this case you’re falling for Uranus.  
goreMet: And what would be your ideal death, Will?  
grahamCracker: I don’t care.  
goreMet: No?  
grahamCracker: Not at all.  
grahamCracker: From dying of old age with my family present to ending on the wrong side of your oven.  
grahamCracker: I am completely indifferent.  
goreMet: A Stoic’s end. You need a little more of the Epicurean in your life, Will.  
thePriceisright: This thread was fun before pseudo-philosophy got all over it.  
crawDad: Time to invest in a cryotube.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Death is for quitters.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Theory: Meetings are literally the worst.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Are you in here too?  
whineZeller: Back row. I’ll wave.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Why are we even in here? Are we being punished?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Yes.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Yes.  
BloominOnion: Does anyone know what this meeting is about?  
BloominOnion: The speaker is definitely talking but all I really hear is the Charlie Brown wah-wah noise.  
katzouttathebag: As long as it isn’t about dead bodies or gross jackass misuse of the FBI’s extensive chatboard system, I really don’t think it could possibly apply to us.  
crawDad: As your superior I probably should not admit that this is true.  
whineZeller: Are you being punished, too?  
crawDad: Yes.  
crawDad: The blonde harpy a few seats away aims to have my ass in a sling over the Will Graham thing.  
katzouttathebag: You’re going to have to be more specific. There are too many “Will Graham things” to count.  
katzouttathebag: At this point he’s kind of one giant “thing.”  
crawDad: Oh, I know what I said.  
crawDad: I do mean the vague and all-encompassing mess that constitutes anyone’s interactions with Will Graham.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I somehow get the sense that you dickstools find me a little trying.  
thePriceisright: Un poco.  
katzouttathebag: Less now that you’re out of the hoosegow.  
crawDad: And only to the extent that you are kind of career-ruining.   
grahamCracker: I ruined nothing.  
grahamCracker: You were just crazy reckless.  
crawDad: Whatever you say, ear puker.   
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Such a shame to be trapped in a meeting when it is such a beautiful day.  
goreMet: Sunshine.  
goreMet: Warm air.  
goreMet: Perfect for luncheon al fresco.  
goreMet: Beside the water.  
whineZeller: Sadistic hedonistic jerkwad.  
grahamCracker: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING.

 

 

cain’ttouchthis began chatting with chiltonHead

cain’ttouchthis: Oh, how the tables have tabled.  
chiltonHead: I have no idea what you are talking about.  
cain’ttouchthis: You look completely smashing in orange, do you know?  
cain’ttouchthis: Absolutely your color.  
cain’ttouchthis: Not mine so much, obviously.  
cain’ttouchthis: Kind of rocking the navy blue, myself.  
cain’ttouchthis: Navy blue looks good on any skin tone, interesting fact.  
cain’ttouchthis: That and v-necks. Always a good choice.  
chiltonHead: I don’t think I deserve this.  
chiltonHead: The attempted disembowelment?  
chiltonHead: Eh.  
chiltonHead: You may have had a point with that.  
cain’ttouchthis: Too bloody right.  
chiltonHead: But this?  
chiltonHead: No.  
cain’ttouchthis: I think it’s funny.  
chiltonHead: Naturally!  
chiltonHead: Do not let me seem to say it is not funny.  
chiltonHead: All I mean to say is I don’t think I deserve it.  
cain’ttouchthis: Now that you’re on the other side of the interview, who is seeing you in?  
chiltonHead: Alana Bloom.  
cain’ttouchthis: Ah, a goddess.  
cain’ttouchthis: You lucky little skank.  
chiltonHead: God, shoot me.  
chiltonHead: I think I’d rather gnaw my own leg off than endure her presence.  
cain’ttouchthis: Philistine.  
cain’ttouchthis: You always were a bit of a jealous bitch around her, weren’t you?  
cain’ttouchthis: Kind of like that for every other psychiatrist in the world, actually.  
cain’ttouchthis: I mean, the way you carried on over Will Graham and Dr. Lecter...  
cain’ttouchthis: But say what you will about us, at least you and I have chemistry.  
chiltonHead: Oh, no one will ever be able to dispute that.  
chiltonHead: A little too much chemistry, in all likelihood.  
cain’ttouchthis: Frederick.  
cain’ttouchthis: You will turn my head.  
chiltonHead: I really don’t see what you adore about this woman.  
cain’ttouchthis: She’s just a treat, I can’t explain it.  
cain’ttouchthis: But don’t you worry. No matter how many times I nearly stab her, somehow I always come back to you.  
chiltonHead: Abel. I am touched.  
cain’ttouchthis: And I’m sure they’ll be all-too happy to pop you in Will Graham’s old cell.  
cain’ttouchthis: The sink’s a bit rickety but it’s a lovely bit of real estate otherwise.  
cain’ttouchthis: We shall be neighbors.  
cain’ttouchthis: Which is truly astonishing when you think about it.  
cain’ttouchthis: Because yes, if you are who they think you are then you certainly killed quite a few people and you ought to be put in a hospital where they’ll look at you through a little window forever.  
cain’ttouchthis: Easily more than six victims, you.  
cain’ttouchthis: And clever.  
cain’ttouchthis: So you should be here.  
cain’ttouchthis: But me?  
cain’ttouchthis: It’s entirely unfair.  
cain’ttouchthis: Mine was a snap and then it was your nonsense that pushed me further. Nothing remarkable there. Just me being me and then you having a pointy stick and jabbing me with it while I’m trying to be me.  
cain’ttouchthis: Cynthia and her family just had to go, I’ve been over that with you before.  
cain’ttouchthis: Just  
cain’ttouchthis: Ugh  
cain’ttouchthis: Some holidays will haunt my dreams, good Lord.  
cain’ttouchthis: And Shell, fine, the driver, fine, the guard, the orderly, Dr. Carruthers, fine, fine, but that only brings me up to, you know  
cain’ttouchthis: Twelve?  
cain’ttouchthis: Fourteen.  
cain’ttouchthis: Fifteen, tops.  
cain’ttouchthis: But, you know, take me down to Texas and hit me with a brick or something.  
cain’ttouchthis: That's how you do it. That's the way it ought to be done.  
cain’ttouchthis: But a hospital?  
cain’ttouchthis: Eeugh.  
cain’ttouchthis: You, yes. All manner of naughtiness and you must certainly be peered at for ages.  
cain’ttouchthis: Not me, though. Brick’s good enough for me.   
cain’ttouchthis: I’m at the point where I think I should’ve gone big.  
cain’ttouchthis: Become a dictator or something.  
cain’ttouchthis: Mass-murdering fuckhead of some description.  
cain’ttouchthis: Killed swaths of people.  
cain’ttouchthis: They’d have left me to it, then.  
cain’ttouchthis: But do you know, I think this could be good for us. Between the shared indignities of interacting with the orderlies and the mutual humiliation of our degraded states, you and I might find ourselves reconciling, even after all these years.  
chiltonHead: While I would by no means turn my nose up at the prospect of a more friendly relationship with you, I hope you will not think me very bitter if I say that until such time as I have a replacement kidney I will not look too hopefully towards complete concord.  
cain’ttouchthis: But if you are the Chesapeake Ripper, surely you’ve already had as many new kidneys as you please.  
chiltonHead: Hilarious.  
chiltonHead: I am not a cannibal.  
chiltonHead: You have made certain that I cannot easily process meat.  
cain’ttouchthis: I just think that vegan is the better lifestyle choice for you, Frederick, consideringly your age and health.  
cain’ttouchthis: A taut, active, and limber forty-three is still a forty-three.   
cain’ttouchthis: Granted, my assessment was predicated on your not being institutionalized. What passes for vegan in here will not be all that different from the meat options, I expect.  
chiltonHead: I had no notion that you were a hobby nutritionist.   
chiltonHead: I suppose I will learn all sorts of things about you, now that we can talk with as perfect candor as either you or I am capable.  
chiltonHead: And I imagine it is only just and appropriate that I, too, should be subjected to the hospital’s food and its pretensions of edibility.  
cain’ttouchthis: I’m glad to see you’re looking at this philosophically.   
chiltonHead: By the by, how is it possible that you are online?  
cain’ttouchthis: I still have your mobile and it will probably work as long as the bill is paid.  
chiltonHead: So that’s where it went.  
chiltonHead: You and Will Graham are cut from the same cloth.   
cain’ttouchthis: And yourself?  
chiltonHead: Oh, I stole Dr. Bloom’s.  
cain’ttouchthis: Oh, Frederick.  
cain’ttouchthis: I wish I knew how to quit you.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: I am alarmed by our lack of group identity.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: What?  
thePriceisright: Exactly.  
thePriceisright: We lack a cohesive identity as the Rumpus Factory.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Never let it be said that I am ever in opposition to stupid group pride, but what exactly are you talking about?  
thePriceisright: We’re a hot, go-getting little group of dumbfucks and our ranks are growing, especially when you consider the Mysterious Violet Interloper of some days ago.  
thePriceisright: A lock on Ay Yo Das Gay has done nothing to keep down lurkers, now that Certain Individuals Involved have gone all public.  
whineZeller: Oh, I get it.  
whineZeller: We need to show who’s in the elite.  
whineZeller: Separate the lurkers from the lurkable.  
thePriceisright: Rumpus Asshole Pride.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: We should get t-shirts.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, no way.  
katzouttathebag: We’ll look like we all go to the same camp.  
thePriceisright: We need cool rings.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Speaking as someone who has read Foucault’s Pendulum an ill-advisedly large number of times, let me insist that the last thing you want is anything that makes this look like a secret society.  
katzouttathebag: Although it pretty much is.  
xxxphile: Well, yes.  
xxxphile: But owning it gets you killed in incredibly stupid fashions, none of with are consistent with our list from earlier.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Bumper stickers, perhaps.  
goreMet: Cards, so that we can claim to be card-carrying members of this   
goreMet: cadre.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Matching shot glasses.  
tacoBellasupreme: And speaking of, we need to have a happy hour soon.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I’d like to know exactly what makes you all think that elite membership of Man-Eating Dickpail Buttroasting Koombaya is something to proudly advertise.  
whineZeller: We’re not all ashamed of our passions, Will.  
thePriceisright: Some of us actually own to having friends and, you know, liking them.  
katzouttathebag: And also being gigantic dorks in a large and mutually-dorky community is fun.  
cain’ttouchthis RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
cain’ttouchthis: What you need is a flag.  
katzouttathebag: *GASP*  
thePriceisright: The Mysterious Violet Interloper!  
cain’ttouchthis banned himself from responding to the memo.  
whineZeller: Artificial grape-flavored Zorro up in here.  
xxxphile: Here.  
xxxphile:   
  
xxxphile: Never let it be said that I didn’t pull my rumpusy asshole weight.   
tacoBellasupreme: I’m putting it on a mug for Jack.  
BloominOnion: I'm putting it on a bunch of t-shirts.  
thePriceisright: I’m putting it on my tombstone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this whole chapter is kind of about getting stoned. It's harmless and, I think, pretty fun and silly and relaxed, but if you're super not hip to that kind of thing, this installment probably isn't for you. Maybe give it a miss! I'll try and catch all the straight edge kids on the rebound. 
> 
> Also there is one pretty gory picture that I've included under a link. It's the remains of an elderly man who died in a bathtub, which by an unfortunate twist of events was kept at near-boiling temperature for the two weeks it took for authorities to investigate the smell. So! You need not click on that if that is your preference--rest assured that there will be conversation about it in the rest of the installment.

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Oh good.  
whineZeller: I woke up this morning thinking  
whineZeller: “Gee, you know what would be swell? I would just love to see a horribly, tragically savaged child’s corpse today.”  
whineZeller: “Ooh, and the remains have an uncanny resemblance to one my nephews? Double trouble!”  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Come see me.  
whineZeller: UGH ALANA  
whineZeller: I’ve got this, okay?  
whineZeller: I’m just bitching.  
BloominOnion: Come see me.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: We’ll cover you.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Go on, man.  
whineZeller: Throwing me to the wolves.  
whineZeller: Fine, fine, I’m going.  
thePriceisright: Four more days, man.  
thePriceisright: Keep the faith.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: skdjlnwefnoewinfoewun  
thePriceisright: fuck i dnot   
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: You good, dude?  
thePriceisright: No no  
thePriceisright: No no no  
thePriceisright: Eject eject eject.  
thePriceisright: I need you or Zeller to do this one.  
thePriceisright: I just opened up the pregnant lady and   
thePriceisright: that kid was not going to make it and   
katzouttathebag: Oh no.  
katzouttathebag: Code beige, Zeller.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: I’m on the way.  
whineZeller: Price, take five, man, we got this. You go do what you gotta do.   
thePriceisright: Yeah.  
thePriceisright: Yeah, um   
thePriceisright: Yeah  
thePriceisright banned himself from responding to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, fuck.  
katzouttathebag: Poor kid.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Please ask Price to come see me when he gets the chance.  
whineZeller: Yeah, he probably should.  
whineZeller: Fuck.  
whineZeller: Three more days.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Ugh, God.  
thePriceisright: This place is the worst.  
thePriceisright: Just...eugh.  
thePriceisright: Newspapers and fecal matter and decay and skulls and skins everywhere.  
thePriceisright: Urgh.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck.  
katzouttathebag: Yup.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah.  
katzouttathebag: That’s what that is.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, boy, breathe deep. You smell that?  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Where are you?  
katzouttathebag: In the bathroom.  
katzouttathebag: With whoever the fuck had pretty goddamn better be the homeowner.  
katzouttathebag: Come on in, take a look!  
whineZeller 5 MINUTES LATER responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: So!  
whineZeller: Who wants an eyewitness view of our very favorite thing in the whole world?  
whineZeller: Will, you’re delicate and shouldn’t look at this or you’ll start empathizing, and trust me, buddy, you don’t want this one.  
whineZeller posted “[schmuckbait.jpg](http://www.documentingreality.com/forum/attachments/f10/28008d1228665690-boiled-man-3089004019_ab8d643c6d_o.jpg)”  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Oh my God.  
BloominOnion: That’s the home owner?  
katzouttathebag: Maybe!   
katzouttathebag: He was taking a bath with some kind of extra component in the tub, like something out of an electric kettle.  
katzouttathebag: Must have died two weeks ago.  
katzouttathebag: And for two weeks he stayed in a tub full of hot water.  
katzouttathebag: AND GUESS WHO GETS TO FISH HIM OUT?  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: These and other reasons why I never ever ever EVER want to work in the field.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Such a tragic waste.  
BloominOnion: ALL of you, come see me.  
thePriceisright: WHOO BABY, I COULD EAT  
thePriceisright: WHO’S HUNGRY?  
katzouttathebag 9 HOURS LATER responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Two more days.  
katzouttathebag: Two more.

 

 

crawDad RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

crawDad: I need all hands on deck.  
crawDad: Kade Prurnell is making the rounds and there’s going to be a morgue interview. I need you to be on point.  
crawDad: What have you got?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Okay, well,  
thePriceisright: Bath Boy’s dental records have ID’d him as Jacob Friest. He did not own the hosue.  
thePriceisright: Friest did time from dealing coke in seventies but he'd been a vagrant ever since.  
thePriceisright: No idea how he got in the house and he might have died of anything from cardiac arrest to drowning to seizure to old age.  
thePriceisright: But, great news: the crawlspace under the house had twenty bodies!  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Yay.  
thePriceisright: Twenty women and children, all Jane and John Does at the moment.  
thePriceisright: Their heads were completely pulverized, and I don’t think we’ll be able to get any dental records.  
thePriceisright: And their fingers were removed, got no clue where those are, so prints aren’t exactly an option at the moment.  
thePriceisright: Youngest could be ballparked at 4-6 years, oldest might have been 50 or might have been 90.  
thePriceisright: The remains are dry, but there’s enough of an indication with most of the bones to indicate that some kind of torture was going on. Definitely crooked healing.  
thePriceisright: They’ve been dead around ten years, I’d say. Makes sense if Rubber Ducky was squatting and had no idea what was going on by the time he accidentally made himself into consommé.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Consommé?  
thePriceisright: Yeah. Ordinarily you'd think stew would be the more appropriate analogy, but I helped scoop our soggy friend out like a wayward wonton and I can assure you that the consistency was a lot like extremely greasy consommé.  
thePriceisright: Maybe a French Onion soup, actually.   
katzouttathebag: Add soup to the list of foods this job has ruined for me.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Oh.  
whineZeller: And we don’t have a COD yet because the heads could’ve been destroyed pre- or post-mortem, and there’s not enough evidence to connect it to any but the most general details of anybody’s signature.  
katzouttathebag: It’s going to be a good day.  
crawDad: Fuck.  
crawDad: I’ll be down in a few minutes to run D.  
whineZeller: One more day. Just twelve hours until tomorrow.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Ladies,  
whineZeller: Gentlemen,  
whineZeller: Distinguished comrades,  
whineZeller: and Will,  
whineZeller: it is officially April 20th and I bid you greetings and welcome  
whineZeller: to Cannabis Rumpus Asshole Factory.  
whineZeller: Fine weather for the High Holy Day! How y’all doing?   
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Tired.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Ditto.  
whineZeller: Fair enough.  
whineZeller: It was a rough week, my peeps.  
whineZeller: But I bring tidings of good news!  
whineZeller: We are off-call and the inimitable Dr. Hannibal Lecter has graciously opened his beautiful home for the observance of the rites!  
katzouttathebag: Wow, really?  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: I would esteem it a pleasure to host you all in your celebrations.  
goreMet: My home is yours.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: That’s very sweet, Hannibal! Thank you.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Oh please.  
grahamCracker: Like you’ve ever smoked weed.  
goreMet: Will.   
goreMet: I am a slightly effete, miscellaneously European hedonist with a flair for unconventional psychiatric methods.  
goreMet: Of course I have smoked marijuana.  
goreMet: I hope you will be in attendance?  
goreMet: And your dogs are welcome, too, although preferably not more than four or five.  
grahamCracker: I am not going to let you make Wilson into a burger.  
goreMet: Certainly not.  
goreMet: He’s a roasting dog if ever I’ve seen one.  
katzouttathebag: Pleeease bring the dogs, Will?  
katzouttathebag: There is literally nothing better than being stoned and petting a dog.  
grahamCracker: No.  
thePriceisright: Wet blanket.  
thePriceisright: Well, can we bring anything for the host?  
goreMet: I think not. I have a homemade pork rind recipe I am rather excited about, but if you think there is anything you would like to have on hand, please feel free to bring it along.  
katzouttathebag: I’ve got a case of Boh. Who’s going to show up besides Will, maybe, without dogs?  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: I’ll be there! Bringing Cards Against Humanity and Seasons 1-8 of The Simpsons.  
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
tacoBellasupreme: Jack and I will swing by after lunch.  
tacoBellasupreme: I’ve got a new vaporizer I really like and I can’t wait for you guys to try it.  
thePriceisright: Oh, cool, that means we’ve got all morning to bone up on marijuana trivia before the weed nerds get here.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: New York abstains, courteously.  
katzouttathebag: What?  
katzouttathebag: Noooo.  
xxxphile: Decriminalized or no, I have no desire to impair myself, however charming the company or however hilarious the shenanigans got up to.  
katzouttathebag: I think you’re just a mass delusion at this point.  
katzouttathebag: We’ve just made you up and think we are talking to you, but you’re just a figment of our imaginations.  
katzouttathebag: Hannibal started it and then I substantiated it by arguing with you and now it’s just this bizarre form of mob hysteria.  
xxxphile: Interesting theory.  
katzouttathebag: This does, of course, mean that I am the one true X Files fan, because you are imaginary and as a consequence do not count.  
xxxphile: A masterpiece of logic, Ms. Katz.   
xxxphile: I am sorry that I cannot be there to dispel your doubts regarding my existence and reclaim my title, but it shall have to wait for another day.  
xxxphile: Perhaps you all will be so good as to liveblog your day for me?  
xxxphile: I have no doubt in my mind that it will be entertaining although I regret that I cannot attend myself.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah, sure.  
whineZeller: Shit, pressure’s on.  
whineZeller: This 420 will be immortalized.  
whineZeller: Quick, everyone be funny.  
katzouttathebag: I’ll be at yours in fifteen, Z. Have some pants on, this time.  
whineZeller: You’re not my mom.  
goreMet: Please wear trousers.  
whineZeller: Yes ma’am.

 

 

goreMet began chatting with xxxphile

goreMet: Bedelia.  
goreMet: This is unbecoming.  
xxxphile: Consider your pardon begged.  
goreMet: You must do something social soon.  
goreMet: You are missed without ever having been introduced.  
xxxphile: Charming as that prospect is, I assure you it is not merely weakness but wariness that keeps me from darkening your door.  
xxxphile: I know what you are.  
goreMet: And I adore you for it, truly.  
goreMet: You know me and have known me.  
goreMet: You have been my guest and my confidante for so many happy years.  
goreMet: You must know that I esteem you too highly to  
goreMet: eh  
goreMet: Steam you.  
xxxphile: UGH  
xxxphile: Well, that reassures me hardly at all.  
goreMet: You and Will Graham ought to start a club.  
xxxphile: But even if it did, I would not be able to attend this gathering.  
goreMet: Might I ask why?  
xxxphile: Truthfully?  
xxxphile: From this distance I am thought to be an erudite and personable individual.  
xxxphile: The only thing that will more rapidly dispel that notion than my reality is my intoxicated reality.  
goreMet: Nonsense.  
xxxphile: Her LinkedIn profile picture alone makes me weak in the knees.  
xxxphile: To say nothing of Facebook.  
xxxphile: Many of her fan theories are nonsense, but they are fun, interesting nonsense.  
xxxphile: It's like being back in high school.  
xxxphile: Even I'm embarrassed for me, and nothing has even happened yet.   
xxxphile: I mean to enjoy this flirtation as long as possible and as such it must remain epistolary.  
xxxphile: Or whatever the hell this is.  
goreMet: Very well.  
goreMet: You must do what you think is best, naturally.  
goreMet: Although I wish to mention that in addition to revealing your fixation, your request for a liveblog also indicates a worrying preoccupation with the potential overlap between reality and meta-narrative.  
xxxphile: Which is a preoccupation you and I, and I think Mr. Zeller, share. But I admit I don't see what makes you say that.  
goreMet: Though it may only be a ruse to secretly indulge in the pearls of charm that drop like Spring rain from Ms. Katz's lovely and faintly latex-scented fingers, I would assert that your request is sufficiently clunky and overt as to appear like little more than a convenient means by which an author might express, exclusively through dialogue, the events of a large social gathering, despite being hampered by a somewhat ill-chosen medium.  
xxxphile: God moves in mysterious ways his miracles to perform, Hannibal.  
xxxphile: Maybe I just wish to view your intoxication from a safe distance.  
xxxphile: If memory serves, you have an alarming tendency to ballroom dance to pop music when impaired.  
goreMet: That is only when I am drunk, Bedelia, which is a precious rare occurrence.   
xxxphile: Either way, I have no intentions of being your latest victim. You will either roast me with a demi-glace in a fit of marijuana-induced hunger or I will trip over a coffee table in front of God and everyone while attempting to foxtrot with you. I do not consider these to be acceptable outcomes.  
goreMet: Very well, Bedelia.  
goreMet: My doors are always open to you if you change your mind.  
xxxphile: Thank you.  
xxxphile: Have fun.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Here bygynneth the book of the Events of the Cannabis Rumpus Asshole Factory.  
whineZeller: Goal: Don’t puke up your first hit.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Goal met.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Met.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Met.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Met.  
whineZeller: And masterfully done.  
katzouttathebag: Let’s watch the episode where Homer is morbidly obese.  
BloominOnion: Sure.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Riveting stuff.  
katzouttathebag: We’ll let you know when we start getting naked and chewing each other’s faces off.

 

 

crawDad RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

crawDad: Hannibal, please answer the door.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: What?  
goreMet: That is, pardon?  
crawDad: The door. Bella and I are here.  
goreMet: Hang on.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Cheese it, the fuzz! They’re feds, Hannibal!  
goreMet: Hospitality demands the sacrifice!  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Crotch the weed, Hannibal!  
goreMet: Noooo.  
goreMet: I cannot be tricked that easily.  
goreMet: I saw that episode.  
goreMet: Oh   
goreMet: My  
goreMet: God  
goreMet: Bella has some kind of  
goreMet: I don’t even know  
goreMet: Weed juicebox.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: What?  
goreMet: Hang on, we’re coming up.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: You don’t have to do this, Will.  
grahamCracker: You can turn around and drive back to Wolf Trap.  
grahamCracker: You don’t have to walk into this.  
katzouttathebag: Bring dogs.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Hannibal, I request these pork rinds’ hands in marriage.  
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
goreMet: Granted.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Speaking of food,   
katzouttathebag: I don’t like bananas.  
katzouttathebag: It’s like, here:  
katzouttathebag: Take the grainiest, mealiest apple in all creation,  
katzouttathebag: mix it with a very dense pudding,  
katzouttathebag: shape it into something approximately resembling a penis,  
katzouttathebag: and enjoy.  
katzouttathebag: But I say no.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck bananas, I say.  
katzouttathebag: Because as if that weren’t enough, bananas are full of potassium, so if you don’t eat them you are probably going to get horrific cramps sooner or later.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck any kind of fruit that is capable of punishing you for not eating it.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Clarm down, girl.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck you, dude, this is serious.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: I’m outside.  
grahamCracker: Someone let me in.  
goreMet: On my way.  
whineZeller: Ooh, Will.  
whineZeller: Aren’t you a little worried about Hannibal eating you, not that he’s all unihibited?  
katzouttathebag: He IS down a waistcoat and tie, by now.  
katzouttathebag: Consider yourself warned.  
grahamCracker: Oh please.  
grahamCracker: I’ve got protection.  
grahamCracker: ...I assume from the resounding wolf-whistle echoing from the second floor that you misunderstood me.  
grahamCracker: I have Miscellaneous European Kryptonite.  
grahamCracker: Ritter Sport fourré au praliné.  
goreMet: Oh mon Dieu.  
goreMet: Vraiment?  
grahamCracker: All yours, as long as you promise not to eat me or mine.  
goreMet: D’accord, quelque chose, Guillaume. Un moment, les escaliers sont devenus tres difficiles.  
grahamCracker: Oh please, you are not that high.  
goreMet: Hang on.  
goreMet: Stairs, and English, are a little tricky at the moment.  
thePriceisright: I hear barking.  
goreMet: My house is full of dogs.  
goreMet: Six--ten dogs, Will. Dix chiens, Guillaume. You are perjured.  
goreMet: They are all excruciatingly fluffy.  
thePriceisright: Bring them up.  
grahamCracker: All aboard the hot mess express.  
goreMet: Apres tu, mon cher.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Huh.  
whineZeller: Uh, is anybody else seeing this?  
whineZeller: Cuz real talk: I did not know that this is what it looks like when you introduce a guy to his Kyrptonite.  
whineZeller: I always thought it was more of a, y'know, power drain.  
whineZeller: Not  
whineZeller: How can I say this  
whineZeller: Revitalizing?  
whineZeller: Dilated pupils, presumably elevated heart rate, slow and sensual consumption, disregard for surroundings public or private...  
whineZeller: Quiet vocalizations indicating physical pleasure?  
whineZeller: Granted that part of this might be the weed, this actually might offer some insight into Lex Luthor and Superman's weird little relationship.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Maybe we should give Hannibal and the chocolate a few minutes alone.  
thePriceisright: I think we're looking at something kind of intimate.  
whineZeller:   
whineZeller:   
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: "If I don't love it, I don't swallow."  
thePriceisright: Yeah, this is right on the borderline between awkwardly sensual and outright sexual experience.  
whineZeller: Let's give the man some privacy.  
whineZeller: Relocate to the den, y'all. And don't touch the harpsichord. Can't none of us play anything tolerable and we're not clichéd enough to attempt Smoke on the Water.  
whineZeller: Will, come on, man, focus. We gotta motate.  
thePriceisright: You all right, Will?  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Yeah.  
grahamCracker: Just  
grahamCracker: Shit’s   
grahamCracker: A little dank.  
thePriceisright: Sure.  
whineZeller: Right.  
katzouttathebag: Let’s watch _Home_. It'll be fun and won't give you any nightmares at all, promise.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Oh, you naughty girl.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah, whatever.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Ahhhhh...  
whineZeller: Yeah.  
whineZeller: My buzz is wearing off a little, as I think can be said for everyone. We’ll refresh it soon, now that I’m not fixating on all these DOGS.  
whineZeller: Well, kind of not fixating.  
whineZeller: Cuz y’know. DOGS.  
whineZeller: The hour nears eight and Will and Hannibal disappeared to make grilled cheese sandwiches.   
whineZeller: Between Will’s mastery of stairs and Hannibal’s preternatural ability to cook literally anything in any state of consciousness, I think they’ll make it.  
whineZeller: Bella and Jack have “disappeared” into the bathroom which is exactly as heartwarming and horrifying as you’d think. It’s a little better than watching them play stoned kissy face but not by much.  
whineZeller: We’re watching the X Files at Katz’s insistence. She’s braiding Alana’s hair and she ain’t bad.  
whineZeller: Nimble fingers, Bedelia. Just pointing that out.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Yes, Mr. Zeller, I gathered. Thank you.  
whineZeller: Now we begin the brewish part of the endeavor and the crown jewels of any High Holy Day: The Big Lebowski, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Dogma.   
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: You are trying way too hard, dude.  
whineZeller: I just want this to be perfect.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: You need to take another hit. Let it happen, Z. We’ll get there.  
whineZeller: Fiiiine.  
whineZeller 5 MINUTES LATER responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Okay.  
whineZeller: Yeah.  
whineZeller: Fuck it, we’ll do what we want.  
katzouttathebag: There you go.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Good morning, all.  
thePriceisright: Huge giant shoutout to Hannibal for letting us hang at his place yesterday. We owe you a fruit basket, man, that was really nice.  
thePriceisright: I kind of lost track of people around two AM, but I got back home no problem and I feel fine.  
thePriceisright: Everybody else good?  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Yup, I heard from Alana and the Crawfords. They’re all fine.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: I managed. Haven’t heard from Will, though.  
thePriceisright: Hope he’s good. He really needed to unwind.  
thePriceisright: I was really glad to hear him joking last night.  
katzouttathebag: Oh yeah! God, I remember him talking about getting back out into the field and working on new cases.  
whineZeller: Fuck! I remember that, too. Can you imagine?  
thePriceisright: He must have been hitting it super hard.  
thePriceisright: Poor kid must have needed it.  
thePriceisright: Well, happy Monday, all.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: I already feel good about this week.  
whineZeller: Artistic killers, how you save us from every mundanely tragic mediocrity.  
whineZeller: Why do I say this?  
whineZeller: Because THAT  
whineZeller: Is totally a chick in a horse.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: And THAT  
katzouttathebag: is totally Will Graham  
katzouttathebag: standing in the middle of a crime scene  
katzouttathebag: mumbling to himself.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Wow  
thePriceisright: Just  
thePriceisright: This agency has literally nothing like rules, regulations, or guidelines anymore, does it?  
thePriceisright: Let alone common sense.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: Just dig the woman out of the horse.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Happy Monday, assbunnies.


	10. Chapter 10

goreMet began chatting with xxxphile

goreMet: I have a fear in my mind that you might be losing Ms. Katz’s interest, my dear.  
goreMet: She was not best pleased when yesterday’s conversation turned to you. Your constant evasive maneuvers have drawn her ire and if you are not quick she will soon refuse your company before you can again refuse hers.  
xxxphile: Thank you for the slightly invasive heads-up.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: Holy fuck!  
thePriceisright: Is that a bird?  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: How  
katzouttathebag: How the hell did a bird get in her heart? How does that surgery even work? And how is it ALIVE?  
thePriceisright: Somebody shoot it!  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: Shoot it? Seriously?  
whineZeller: This from Mr. Bluh Bluh Bluh Bees Bees Bees?  
thePriceisright: Fuck off!  
thePriceisright: Bees are nice and cute and valuable to the ecosystem!  
thePriceisright: These rats with wings are plague-carriers!   
thePriceisright: How can we possibly be in Virginia, in the FBI, with no one willing to fire a gun at a clear and present danger?  
whineZeller: And here we see why Jimmy Price was kicked out of Canada.  
thePriceisright: I wasn’t kicked out! I left. Because they didn’t have enough guns!  
thePriceisright: TO SHOOT BIRDS WITH.  
whineZeller: I’m just glad you know you’re too bad a shot to get it or you’d have killed us all by accident.  
thePriceisright: Contaminants!  
thePriceisright: We must burn the lab.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: So what exactly was in that kush, because between this and the horse I’m not sure we’re not still high.

 

 

whineZeller began chatting with grahamCracker

whineZeller: Hey man.  
whineZeller: You got a minute?  
grahamCracker: Something like that.  
grahamCracker: What do you want?  
whineZeller: I owe you an apology.  
grahamCracker: What? No, you don’t owe me anything.  
whineZeller: I thought you were a killer. I didn’t want to hear anything else, so I wouldn’t consider anything else.   
grahamCracker: The evidence was compelling.  
whineZeller: Not for Beverly. She’s been chewing our ears off, not that you’d know it if you’re not in the lab, and she was right. I don’t know what you two are seeing in these cases, but I’m sorry we didn’t believe you. I didn’t believe you.  
whineZeller: We rag on you pretty hard and I think you know we mean it in a playful kind of way, but maybe sometimes things go a little far.  
whineZeller: So we’ve got your back, right? We might not always follow along with your cockamamie instinctual leaps, but I’m going to be less likely to discount them outright.  
grahamCracker: I appreciate that, Brian. Thank you.  
whineZeller: Come on down around noon.  
whineZeller: We want to buy you lunch.  
grahamCracker: That’s really not necessary.  
whineZeller: C’mon, man.  
whineZeller: Let us love up on you a little, since it’s getting pretty mushy already.  
grahamCracker: Fine. I’ll be right down.  
whineZeller: :)   
grahamCracker:   
grahamCracker: :) 

 

 

cain’ttouchthis began chatting with chiltonHead

cain’ttouchthis: So.  
cain’ttouchthis: How are you settling in?  
chiltonHead: I hate this place.  
chiltonHead: Every day I am subject to a thousand different little humiliations.  
cain’ttouchthis: Hmm. Perhaps you need to pursue a different line of work. I know I make it look easy but incarceration truly is not for everyone.  
cain’ttouchthis: Still, I would have given my eye teeth for a cell in a federal prison.  
cain’ttouchthis: Consider how much worse it would have been if they decided you are insane and popped you into your own hospital.  
cain’ttouchthis: At least now no one is likely to peer at you from a distance of several meters with hungry, hungry eyes.  
chiltonHead: I think I would have liked the opportunity to get my ass served to me in such a fashion.   
chiltonHead: Sure, it would have been impossibly more horrible than my current state, but I was beginning to look forward to the chance to defy convention and be a pisser rather than a cutter. Pissers at least seem to be having fun.  
chiltonHead: I do not want to be here.  
cain’ttouchthis: Shocking.  
chiltonHead: Well, do you want to be where you are?  
cain’ttouchthis: With the loss of Will Graham and yourself in such a short period of time, this hospital has become a very lonesome place.  
cain’ttouchthis: Precisely what are you suggesting, Frederick?  
chiltonHead: I haven’t had a vacation in six years.  
chiltonHead: What would you say to a road trip?  
cain’ttouchthis: Oh.  
cain’ttouchthis: Well, naturally, I would be delighted.  
cain’ttouchthis: Why?  
chiltonHead: Because I do not wish to die in prison? And parole is a thin, distant possibility at this point? And even if they do catch Hannibal Lecter (which of course is one of the most fervent hopes of my soul) I’m still looking at anything from six months to ten years, considering the fuckwits they’ve got working the case?  
cain’ttouchthis: That much is patently obvious, Frederick, thank you.  
cain’ttouchthis: What I mean to say is that you can surely escape on your own, much more easily than if you had me with you. Why would you suggest it to me?  
chiltonHead: If I have learned anything from these past few months it is a healthy respect for those willing to demonstrate ruthless butchery and exemplary surgical ability.  
chiltonHead: Your intelligence and your considerable skill set make you extremely valuable in these kinds of endeavors and I believe that we are much more likely to succeed as a unit than separately.  
cain’ttouchthis: My word.  
cain’ttouchthis: This is extremely flattering and really quite arousing, but I wonder if you say this with full knowledge of the facts, to wit: I am bound to a wheelchair.   
chiltonHead: What?  
chiltonHead: Really?  
chiltonHead: Since when?  
cain’ttouchthis: Since I lost the use of my legs.  
cain’ttouchthis: And then the legs themselves.  
chiltonHead: You lost your legs?  
cain’ttouchthis: Yes.  
chiltonHead: Like, they are gone?  
cain’ttouchthis: Amputated, yes.  
chiltonHead: When? How?  
cain’ttouchthis: Frederick, if I knew where they were I would not claim to have mislaid them.  
cain’ttouchthis: Although I suspect I may have left them at the home of a premier psychiatrist of our mutual acquaintance, as he very kindly had me for dinner some days ago.  
chiltonHead: That incredible shitbagel!  
chiltonHead: Abel, I’m  
chiltonHead: Well  
cain’ttouchthis: Eloquent as always, nemesis mine. But do not trouble yourself.  
cain’ttouchthis: Please do not think you are obliged to express more grief and sympathy than you feel. I imagine that I too would experience some joy at my disemboweler’s loss of limb.   
chiltonHead: Hm.  
chiltonHead: Nevertheless, nothing about your recent dinner engagement changes the fact that what I want out of you in an escape attempt is in your hands and your head and not necessarily in your legs.   
cain’ttouchthis: Oh, Dr. Chilton.  
cain’ttouchthis: Yes, then, yes, a thousand times, yes.  
chiltonHead: Well, all right.  
chiltonHead: So.  
chiltonHead: Say we meet at the observatory on Thursday--it has a ramp in the back.  
chiltonHead: We’ll steal a car, maybe one of the ones that can be operated by hand.  
cain’ttouchthis: A Kenguru?  
cain’ttouchthis: Well, at least they’ll see us coming. Although I don’t think that’s built for two people.  
chiltonHead: We’ll figure something out. There are some pretty interesting alternatives.  
chiltonHead: I would prefer a car with hand-operated controls since I do have some trouble putting pressure on my legs and stretching my abdomen over significant periods of time.  
cain’ttouchthis: Oh, I know.  
cain’ttouchthis: Probably the left side more than the right, hm?  
chiltonHead: Yes.  
chiltonHead: And we’ll head for Ontario. Passports can be falsified without a huge amount of trouble.  
chiltonHead: Or maybe we’ll stay in America and look at some of the cities in Papen County. I have a cousin who occasionally stops out that way and he says the scenery is lovely and the people are uniquely disinclined to talk.  
cain’ttouchthis: Absolutely not.  
cain’ttouchthis: Tijuana.  
chiltonHead: Excuse me.  
cain’ttouchthis: Quite right, pardon me.  
cain’ttouchthis: Rio de Janeiro.   
chiltonHead: Hm.  
cain’ttouchthis: If we must make this a roadtrip, for the love of God let’s go somewhere fun.  
cain’ttouchthis: Besides a big, wild city has a ready-made career for me.  
chiltonHead: Please don’t say  
cain’ttouchthis: Black market organ dealing.  
chiltonHead: Of course.  
chiltonHead: VAY-CAY-TION, Abel.  
cain’ttouchthis: Fine.  
cain’ttouchthis: But don’t you dare whinge at me when we are broke in a country awash with organ-incubators.  
chiltonHead: I’ll keep that in mind.  
cain’ttouchthis: And if we want to go very international, we should see about getting over to Morocco at some point.  
cain’ttouchthis: Here’s looking at you, kid.  
chiltonHead: I eagerly anticipate the day you notice that I am not discomfited at all by your ludicrously-exaggerated, disingenuous flirting.  
cain’ttouchthis: And I await the day you notice it is neither disingenuous nor exaggerated, ludicrous though it may well be.  
cain’ttouchthis: See you Thursday.

 

 

thePriceisright RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

thePriceisright: So. Bev.  
thePriceisright: How you doin’?  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Um.  
katzouttathebag: Fine?  
katzouttathebag: Why do you ask?  
thePriceisright: Just curious.  
thePriceisright: Zeller found something cool today.  
katzouttathebag: Oh?  
thePriceisright: Yeah.  
thePriceisright: So, uh,  
thePriceisright: When did you start taking selfies with the corpses?  
katzouttathebag: Uh. I can explain.  
thePriceisright: Really?  
thePriceisright: Because I don’t think you can.  
thePriceisright: It’s not super professional, is it?  
katzouttathebag: Oh, come on, like you’ve never done something goofy in the lab!   
katzouttathebag: They’re really funny! The Internet loves them!  
katzouttathebag: I can’t believe you’re jumping down my throat on this.  
thePriceisright: Oh you’re goddamn right I’m jumping down your throat on this one!  
thePriceisright: I can’t believe that you’d do something like this without me and Zeller.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, man. Seriously?  
thePriceisright: They’re adorable and you look so cute! I can’t believe you didn’t want us to get in on these!  
thePriceisright: I am hurt, Beverly.  
thePriceisright: Deeply hurt.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck.  
katzouttathebag: I thought you guys would think it was stupid and not want to join.   
katzouttathebag: I mean, the selfies are cute but they’re not nearly as good as that time I hid a microphone in the corpse of Z had to work on.  
thePriceisright: Well, yeah, nothing is that funny.  
thePriceisright: I’ve never seen anybody climb the walls like that before.  
thePriceisright: But still. How could you exclude us?  
katzouttathebag: Well, then, get over here! I’m about to take one. I’ve got a guy who died in bed with his mistress and his lips are still pursed.  
katzouttathebag: Duck face time!  
thePriceisright: I’m on the way!  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: I’ve got three somberoes. Discuss amongst yourselves how to work that into a shot.  
thePriceisright: We’d better use those for the guy who died from a cactus, uh, injection. We’ll never get this kind of opportunity again.  
whineZeller: Oh! And we should take a wedding portrait while Tree Man is still pretty much fresh and intact.  
thePriceisright: I’ll be the groom.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah! I’ve got a white coat, I can make it work.  
whineZeller: Why you?  
katzouttathebag: Because if it isn’t me, it’s you, and Jimmy don’t want no scrubs.  
whineZeller: I’m not a scrub!  
katzouttathebag: You’re kind of a scrub.  
whineZeller: I’m NOT a scrub!!! I’m a scruff.  
whineZeller: Not like hardcore, “yo wassup I’m Will Graham check my face hairs” scruff, that shit’s cultivated like a garden, but I’m not a scrub.  
thePriceisright: It’s true. He can’t be a scrub if he’s in this office because a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me.  
thePriceisright: A cactus, though. Rrrowr.  
whineZeller: Oh, dude! Sick, man!

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Whoo boy.  
whineZeller: Wow.  
whineZeller: Where to even start?  
whineZeller: Huh, okay, uh,  
whineZeller: first off,  
whineZeller: do they know we put some cameras in there?  
whineZeller: All watchin’ the premises and stuff?  
whineZeller: Where did Will get that gun and what exactly does he think he’s doing with it?  
whineZeller: I thought he only had a Super Soaker.  
whineZeller: And why is Hannibal kind of  
whineZeller: gripping the barrel  
whineZeller: like that?  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: What I want to know is why those two are even there.  
thePriceisright: This place is not open to the public.  
thePriceisright: You can’t go milling about.   
thePriceisright: Do you even go here?  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Fuck.  
BloominOnion: They are both really,   
BloominOnion: REALLY gay,  
BloominOnion: aren’t they?  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, no. Alana, I’m sorry.  
BloominOnion: No, no.  
BloominOnion: No, it’s  
BloominOnion: I mean, it sucks, but I’d rather know now than like  
BloominOnion: sleep with Hannibal and find out he’ll only do me from behind or something.  
BloominOnion: Uuuugh.  
katzouttathebag: Listen, I know this super nice girl, I could totally set you up.  
BloominOnion: Uh, let me put a pin in that. It might be really good for me later but right now I just wanna kind of  
BloominOnion: bluuuuuuugh  
katzouttathebag: I get that.  
katzouttathebag: By the way, is anybody else super alarmed by that whole crawling-out-of-a-horse-carcass thing?  
katzouttathebag: ‘Cuz I am.  
thePriceisright: Great stitches, though.  
katzouttathebag: Oh, man, yes. We have to get this Peter guy on the team because dayum.  
katzouttathebag: I’m willing to say he’s better at sewing up a body than I am.  
whineZeller: And how did he get it in the womb in the first place?  
whineZeller: All by himself! That’s talent.  
katzouttathebag: Oh shit shit  
katzouttathebag: Are you seeing this?!  
katzouttathebag: We’ve got face-grabbing, people!  
katzouttathebag: Face grabbing and intimate whispering.  
whineZeller: OH! I am slain!  
whineZeller: Curse this shipper’s heart!  
thePriceisright: *sigh* I thought they’d figure out that they are so bad for each other but I suppose I just set the bar too high, didn’t I? Me and my safe, sane relationships.  
thePriceisright: Well. Safe, anyway.  
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
xxxphile: Oh dear.   
xxxphile: Not very subtle, are they?  
whineZeller: NOT ESPECIALLY  
thePriceisright: I’m dispatching someone to go take a look. If they stand there looking soulfully into each other’s eyes any longer that social worker is going to get away.  
katzouttathebag: I figure we can stay here, though.  
katzouttathebag: If there are remains, time to wrack your brains.  
katzouttathebag: If there ain’t no dead, you can stay in bed.  
whineZeller: I’m sticking around to watch the exact moment the police have to crowbar them apart.  
BloominOnion: Uh, flip over to Channel Five real quick, would you?  
thePriceisright: Something wrong?  
BloominOnion: I hope not. Tell me what you see, please.  
whineZeller: Bank robbery?  
BloominOnion: Yeah.   
BloominOnion: There should be a picture of the street while the robbers were escaping. I'm looking at the street across from the bank, not the robbery itself.  
whineZeller: Wh  
whineZeller: Whoa.  
whineZeller: Uncanny resemblance to Chilton, yeah? Cane and all.  
thePriceisright: Where?  
thePriceisright: Oh.  
thePriceisright: You mean in the wheelchair?  
BloominOnion: Well, slung sideways in the lap of the man in the wheelchair.  
BloominOnion: And the man in the wheelchair looks a lot like Abel Gideon, weirdly enough, but um  
BloominOnion: Without legs?  
whineZeller: Huh.  
whineZeller: From the picture, it looks like they’re going pretty fast down the street on that chair.  
whineZeller: Big smiles, anyway.  
thePriceisright: Maybe we’re seeing things. You can’t see them too clearly.  
BloominOnion: I agree. But I thought it was pretty funny.  
whineZeller: XD

 

 

xxxphile RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

xxxphile: Since you are not running off to pull apart a uniquely grisly turducken, perhaps you would be interested in getting a drink? I am in D.C. at the moment and I’d like to make up for some of our missed connections.   
katzouttathebag: Oh, that would be lovely!  
katzouttathebag: Unfortunately I do have a couple of things here I need to wrap up.  
katzouttathebag: Maybe I can hit you up later?  
xxxphile: Certainly.  
xxxphile: You know where to find me.  
xxxphile: Enjoy your evening.  
katzouttathebag: You too, Dr. DuMaurier. I’ll IM you.

xxxphile closed memo.

 

 

goreMet began chatting with xxxphile

goreMet: I do believe you’ve lost Ms. Katz’s interest, dear.  
xxxphile: Go stroke your patient’s gun.

 

 

crawDad RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

crawDad: We were dealing with the horse thing and the social worker thing and the prying Will and Hannibal off of each other thing and in the confusion I missed a call.  
crawDad: Dr. Frederick Chilton escaped from federal prison around seven thirty this evening. In a hopefully unrelated event, Dr. Abel Gideon escaped from the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane at eight o’clock.  
crawDad: In short, yeah, that was them.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: DX  
crawDad: Yeah.  
crawDad: Pretty much.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As of 5/15/14, this work is on semi-permanent hiatus. Godspeed to you all.

grahamCracker RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

grahamCracker: Ah.  
grahamCracker: You know, this is really nice.  
grahamCracker: I just feel so clear. So focused.  
grahamCracker: Maybe this whole going-slightly-insane-due-to-manipulations-of-dickwad-psychiatrist thing was kind of good for me after all.  
moose  
grahamCracker: Oh fuck.  
grahamCracker: Wait.  
grahamCracker: Uh  
grahamCracker: Here, boy?  
grahamCracker: Here, moosey moosey.  
moose  
mooooose  
grahamCracker: Aw, good moosey.  
grahamCracker: Sweet moosey.  
grahamCracker: You’re a good boy, aren’t you?  
moose  
grahamCracker: You’re a nice vampire moosebeast, aren’t you? You’re a good little moosey.  
moose  
moose moose moose  
grahamCracker: Yeah, just a bit nightmare vampire antler puppy, aren’t you, boy?  
moose  
moose  
moose moose  
grahamCracker: Yeah.  
grahamCracker: Good boy.  
grahamCracker: You wanna do something fun, pup?  
grahamCracker: You wanna go for a walk?  
moose moose moose moose moose  
wag wag wag wag wag  
grahamCracker: Attaboy. C’mon.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Damn good Stupid Hat competition, people.  
whineZeller: We saw some really magnificently stupid hats at that crime scene.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: And saw some pretty over-the-top mutilation.  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: And heard some pretty flirtatious speculatin’ on the hypotheses.  
whineZeller: GOD YES.  
whineZeller: Whether fondling each other’s guns or staging the opening of a CSI-themed porno, they do know how to put on a show.  
thePriceisright: A charmed life.  
thePriceisright: Besides that reeeeeeeeally wide and potentially offensive bit of speculation on Will’s part as to the killer’s identity dysphoria, we have nothing new to report re: Horrifically Mutilated Guy and the sequel, Horrifically Mutilated Couple: The ReMutilating.  
thePriceisright: Have we heard anything about Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether?  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: I assume that’s your new nickname for Drs. Chilton and Gideon?  
crawDad: In short, no. All standard procedures have been followed and we’ll be monitoring all international travel, but I credit them with enough intelligence and resources to get where they’re going and be very wary of any traps.  
crawDad: Unless they catastrophically fuck up, there’s nothing we can do but keep an ear to the ground.   
cain’ttouchthis RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
cain’ttouchthis: Best of luck. Really. Let me know if I can do anything to help.  
cain’ttouchthis: ‾‾/__   
cain’ttouchthis banned himself from the memo.  
thePriceisright: Zorro left his mark!  
whineZeller: Who the fuck is that?  
crawDad: I have a theory that it might be Miriam. But I could be wrong.

 

 

whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

whineZeller: Team Sudden Death GO!  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: *cue Sailor Moon transformation*  
whineZeller: In the name of the moon, I’ll punish you!  
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
katzouttathebag: Run around a FunPlex and get cheap laser eye surgery! If we go to a bar afterwards it makes for the perfect evening.  
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
BloominOnion: Aww, are you guys going to play laser tag?  
whineZeller: You know it!  
whineZeller: It’s been a tough couple of weeks and we need to thrash some fourth graders at a children’s game to make ourselves feel better.  
katzouttathebag: You think they’d get wise and start denying entry to the three old crones who come in and slaughter everybody.  
katzouttathebag: But I guess their loss is our gain.  
BloominOnion: Oh, this is so cute.  
BloominOnion: I’m so sorry to have to interrupt!  
thePriceisright: What? Why?  
BloominOnion: Girls Night!  
whineZeller: What? No!  
thePriceisright: No! Come on!  
BloominOnion: Girls Night!  
katzouttathebag: No!  
BloominOnion: I said Girls Night!  
katzouttathebag: No!  
katzouttathebag: Alana, I hate Girls Night.  
katzouttathebag: I always get outvoted and we always go to a Chippendales  
katzouttathebag: And you prohibit beer because you insist that we have to devote ourselves to getting smashed but you don’t let me order anything but Cosmopolitans  
katzouttathebag: --which are vile.  
katzouttathebag: And it inevitably ends with you asking Bella and me for advice because you can’t decide if you should screw Will or Hannibal or both or neither.  
BloominOnion: Neither, now.  
katzouttathebag: Point is, Girls Night sux.  
thePriceisright: Chippendales?  
thePriceisright: Can I come to Girls Night?  
BloominOnion: Beverly, I wish you’d said something!  
katzouttathebag: I have. At length.  
katzouttathebag: You’re very obstinate when you have a drink in one hand and a dead-eyed gyrating premed in the other.  
BloominOnion: Ain’t no shame, babies, do your thing. Just make sure you’re ahead of the game.  
BloominOnion: In any event, I’m sober now. Name your pleasure.  
katzouttathebag: Laser tag. With my people.  
BloominOnion: No, come on, you’ve got to participate.  
thePriceisright: I mean, I didn’t even know there was a Chippendales around here.  
BloominOnion: Give me some things I can run past Bella and Bedelia.  
katzouttathebag: Bedelia?  
BloominOnion: Yes. She was delighted to be invited.  
katzouttathebag: uh  
BloominOnion: So I can guarantee no Chippendales.  
thePriceisright: Aw.  
BloominOnion: Maybe just a great dinner and a few dance clubs?  
katzouttathebag: uh.  
BloominOnion: Something very sophisticated and subtly sexy?  
katzouttathebag: Alana.  
BloominOnion: I’ll loan you my little red dress, the one you wore to the Christmas party.  
whineZeller: It’s a trap, Bev.  
katzouttathebag: No fucking shit it’s a trap.  
whineZeller: No, I mean the dress.  
whineZeller: That ain’t no Girls Night frock.  
whineZeller: Shit’s a weapon.  
katzouttathebag: I know.  
katzouttathebag: I got like four frillion emails the next day asking if I wanted a sugar daddy.  
katzouttathebag: No, Alana.  
katzouttathebag: Nice try.  
katzouttathebag: Business casual for me.  
BloominOnion: Please come to Girls Night?  
katzouttathebag: Ugh.  
BloominOnion: Pleeeese?  
BloominOnion: It will be boring and lame without you grumbling in the shadows.  
katzouttathebag: You are seriously asking me to abandon my band of brothers on the Mountain Dew-soaked No Man’s Land of the LAZ-R-BOY?  
whineZeller: Dude, go.  
katzouttathebag: What? Judas!  
whineZeller: No, seriously.  
whineZeller: Price just found a Chippendales in the area. We’re going to grab Jack and Will and go on a field trip.  
katzouttathebag: No! Bullshit!  
thePriceisright: Go meet the woman. Being vindictively aloof at her is making you grouchy.  
katzouttathebag: Fuck you! I’m not going to chase after someone who avoids every opportunity to meet me. I have some self-respect.  
thePriceisright: Well, then you have a divine duty to show her what she missed out on.  
whineZeller: Go and have vindictive, catty fun. We’ll go look at the hunks.  
katzouttathebag: Blegh.  
katzouttathebag: Fine.  
BloominOnion: Yay!  
katzouttathebag: No strippers!  
BloominOnion: Promise! :D  
BloominOnion: I’ll come over at five with some dresses to try.  
katzouttathebag: ...I’ll have beer.  
BloominOnion: You’re a peach.

 

 

katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

katzouttathebag: Guys.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Hmmmmmm?  
katzouttathebag: Guys.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: I feel like I’m at the Mütter Museum. This is amazing.  
katzouttathebag: Guys.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: More like that penis museum in Iceland.  
katzouttathebag: Guys.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Try again later.

 

 

goreMet began chatting with katzouttathebag

goreMet: Perhaps I can be of service?  
katzouttathebag: Wait. Why are you not out with the boys?  
goreMet: I was invited and I appreciate the gesture but I think they could all benefit from the opportunity to bond again without my presence. I am contented to spend an evening in my own company without the presence of scantily-clad and unaroused young men.  
goreMet: Would you be willing to relate the details of your conundrum?  
katzouttathebag: OH NO SHE’S HOT  
goreMet: Indubitably.  
katzouttathebag: She’s super hot!  
katzouttathebag: She’s blonde and fierce and wearing stilettos and she looks a fuckton like Gillian Anderson and she’s hot!  
goreMet: I see. And how does that make you feel?   
katzouttathebag: Horrifically awkward, Hannibal, how in fuck do you think it makes me feel?  
katzouttathebag: No wonder she avoided us! She probably looked me up and found my doofy LinkedIn page and her nerd alert rang so loud she went temporarily deaf.  
katzouttathebag: She’s a cool, sexy nerd! I’m a selfies-with-murder-victims, only moderately-attractive nerd. This is doomed to ignominious failure.  
goreMet: If you need an escape route, I would be willing to come pick you up.   
katzouttathebag: Okay, okay, hang on.  
katzouttathebag: Maybe I’m just being super melodramatic, right?  
katzouttathebag: That’s a possibility, isn’t it, that even though she’s like a million times cooler than me she might not even now be disdainfully scrolling through the details of my online existence?  
katzouttathebag: She likes The X Files, right? Maybe she smiled once or twice reading my wiki, and didn’t accidentally click out the first time it loaded because she thought it was written by a twelve year old?  
goreMet: Nothing is impossible, Beverly.  
goreMet: You are an intelligent, engaging, charismatic woman. I’m sure things will go fine if you simply be yourself.  
katzouttathebag: Yeah?  
katzouttathebag: Yeah, okay.  
katzouttathebag: Okay.  
katzouttathebag: I’m gonna do it.  
katzouttathebag: I’m going to leave the ladies’ room and go talk to her.  
katzouttathebag: Wish me luck.  
goreMet: With all my heart.

 

 

RIGHT NOW opened a LOCKED memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

xxxphile: Gentlemen.  
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
thePriceisright: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?  
xxxphile: Gentlemen.  
whineZeller RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
whineZeller: No way, man. Are you even seeing this? Mütter, 100%.  
xxxphile: Gentlemen.  
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
crawDad: All I know is that this look like a bunch of walking dicks and I’m not comfortable.  
xxxphile: Gentlemen.  
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.  
grahamCracker: Which one of you FUCKTITS bought me a lap dance?  
xxxphile: Ugh.

 

 

goreMet began chatting with xxxphile

goreMet: Perhaps I can be of service?  
xxxphile: Are you not part of the expedition to Chippendales?  
goreMet: I was invited and I appreciate the gesture but I think they could all benefit from the opportunity to bond again without my presence. I am contented to spend an evening in my own company without the presence of scantily-clad and unaroused young men.  
goreMet: Would you be willing to relate the details of your conundrum?  
xxxphile: Ordinarily I would say no, but I think my presence has completely alienated Ms. Katz right off the bat. I’d only just stepped in the door when I saw her hare off to the lavatory.  
xxxphile: Ugh. Pictures do not do her justice.  
goreMet: Indubitably.  
xxxphile: She is beautiful, Hannibal.  
xxxphile: Beautiful and athletic and apparently blessed with a bladder that provides her with convenient escapes from the limp attentions of socially-inept pseudo-psychiatrists.  
xxxphile: Alana and Bella are chatting all around me and Alana won’t stop giving me looks.  
goreMet: I see. And how does that make you feel?   
xxxphile: Horrifically awkward, Hannibal, how do you think it makes me feel?  
xxxphile: I’ve exhausted her good will. Even if she was at one time disposed to endure my company she’s completely within her rights to dismiss it if she has been offended. And between my constant evasions and my ineffective attempt at playfully disparaging a work of considerable attention and devotion, I have definitely found a way to insult her.  
xxxphile: She’s so relaxed and fearless and elegantly tomboyish. I can’t keep up with someone who is so charming and effortlessly wonderful! This evening is going to be a nightmare.  
goreMet: If you need an escape route, I would be willing to come pick you up.   
xxxphile: Oh, for the love of--  
xxxphile: Possibly the only thing worse than colossally fucking up my first and probably only encounter with Ms. Katz is needing you to come rescue me.  
xxxphile: She is mean in the very loveliest way imaginable but she is not flat-out rude or cruel, so she has to come back, correct? She won’t just escape through the lavatory window.  
xxxphile: It is possible that she really did just have to use the bathroom and will return and we will finally meet, is it not? If I can maintain my composure it should be theoretically possible that we can have a decent first meeting and a pleasant evening, especially with the help of the two very nosy but generally well-intentioned women at the table with me?   
goreMet: Nothing is impossible, Bedelia.  
goreMet: You are an intelligent, engaging, charismatic woman. I’m sure things will go fine if you simply be yourself.  
xxxphile: Well, thank you.  
xxxphile: I suppose.  
xxxphile: That is a kind thing to say.  
xxxphile: All right. Please excuse me.  
xxxphile: I am going to order a glass of wine and try not to completely repulse her.  
xxxphile: Pray for me.  
goreMet: With all my heart.

xxxphile stopped chatting with goreMet

goreMet: And there are people that actually claim therapy is hard.

 

 

cain’ttouchthis began chatting with grahamCracker

cain’ttouchthis: So, hi.  
grahamCracker: uh.  
cain’ttouchthis: Frederick and I just want to know if you still have any room in your Hannibal Fucking Lecter Fucking Eats People You Dickfucks Club.  
grahamCracker: Membership is on a rolling basis but I’m not sure I am willing endure your respective varieties of incredible nonsense for the sake of some dubiously-beneficial solidarity.   
cain’ttouchthis: Fair point, fair point.  
cain’ttouchthis: Counterpoint:  
cain’ttouchthis: If you ever do catch him you have two people who are eyewitnesses and indeed even victims of his crimes.  
cain’ttouchthis: And if you do not accept our olive branch you will almost certainly never be able to find us.  
grahamCracker: But if I tell Jack I’m in communication with you, I can catch you and bring you back here, without any awkward pseudo-friendship.  
cain’ttouchthis: Oh, Will.  
cain’ttouchthis: That’s very cute.  
cain’ttouchthis: This little journey of ours isn’t just about singing along with the original Broadway recording of La Cage Aux Folles and visiting every diner with an access ramp.  
cain’ttouchthis: There is the small matter of avoiding the feds and exercising our considerable combined intellect and ruthlessness to do so.  
cain’ttouchthis: So please give us a bit of credit.  
grahamCracker: Ugh.  
grahamCracker: I guess you have kind of got my ass in a sling.  
cain’ttouchthis: Just a smidge.  
grahamCracker: Okay, fine. You’re in the club.  
cain’ttouchthis: Splendid.  
grahamCracker: Heading for Cancun?  
cain’ttouchthis: I’ll let you know when I know myself. Frederick and I are disagreeing on the subject.  
grahamCracker: Trouble in paradise?  
cain’ttouchthis: Trouble in purgatory, but the point is well-made.  
grahamCracker: Tell Fred I say “what’s good.”  
cain’ttouchthis: I most certainly will not. Take care of yourself.

 

 

grahamCracker began chatting with chiltonHead

grahamCracker: What’s good, son?  
chiltonHead: Sup dawg.  
grahamCracker:   
chiltonHead:   
grahamCracker: Well.  
grahamCracker: Okay then.  
grahamCracker: I did what I came here to do.  
chiltonHead: Fair enough. Going to put you down, now.  
grahamCracker: Yup. Eyes on the road, Fred. Safety first.  
chiltonHead: That’s the trip motto.  
grahamCracker: “Safety first?”  
chiltonHead: “Eyes on the road, Frederick.”  
grahamCracker: I’m so glad to hear that you two are having fun.


End file.
